Raw Drip

Finally, my #1 parenting life lesson…

Beware the Know-it-All mommy.

At work, in the community park, at the grocery store – they’re out there and they’re dying to give you unwanted advice. According to these women whatever you think you know about your kid is all wrong. These mommy’s possess a superior grasp of the subtle nuances of effective parenting and they feel compelled to share this information with you – whether you want to hear it or not. They are always the ones who have read every book by every expert and are capable of spouting loads of supposedly authoritative facts and advice at you while having formed no actual opinions or insights for themselves.

The Know-it-Alls are not the middle of the road moms; these women are all about extremes. I’ve found that they’re either incredibly uptight about their kids’ or they’re far too laid back. 

A former co-worker (a high-strung know-it-all mommy) actually told me that her two year old daughter’s tantrums were signs that she’s neurotic and she’s having her seen by a therapist.  Now, I don’t know this woman’s daughter but the few times I have met her she seemed like a typical 2 year old girl to me.  None of the outbursts her mother has described to me sound like anything other than ordinary terrible twos behavior.  I think her mother labeling HER as neurotic is a little like the pot calling the kettle black.

Another mom I met in the local park was the exact opposite of neurotic know-it-all mommy.  This woman was granola-loving, spacey, all organic fibers kinda’ know-it-all mommy.  The first words out of her mouth to me were, “Do your children drink milk from the grocery store?”  Then she shared with me how once a month, she and her equally nutty neighbor book a sitter for the day and drive her Prius to the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania to buy unpasteurized dairy products from an organic farmer. She schleps her dairy products home and then freezes them for the kids, all in an effort to avoid having her children drink anything that’s been “altered”.   Meanwhile, as she’s telling me about how store-bought dairy products will destroy my childrens’ livers and stunt their growth, she allows her son to throw rocks at the other kids on the playground. When I point out to her that she might want to intervene with the stoning, she tells me that she’d like to but she can’t because she wants him to learn to deal internally with his own feels of conflict. Of course since it’s my kid who’s become the target of his rock throwing, I’d prefer that his mother guide him through the process externally and immediately.

Because, while I may not know it all,  I do know that allowing your kid to put out another kid’s eye in the name of self-exploration is bad.

Coming in at #2 on my list of parenting life lessons…

Remember how your family used to make a big deal out of your every little accomplishment? Yeah well, now that you’re a parent you’re irrelevant.

When I last spoke with my mother it was about the possibility of her coming for a visit in the summer. She responded with an enthusiastic, “I’d LOVE to spend some time with my grandbabies!” No mention of spending time with ME – her only daughter. I didn’t even merit an honorable mention like, “…oh, and you, too.” Somewhere along the way, I have become yesterday’s news.

For Dick, his relevancy meter started heading into dark territory as soon as word of my pregnancy spread. Meeting my in-laws in Vegas during my 1st trimester with Adam, I was the center of attention with loving belly rubs, hugs, kisses and generous rations of baby-friendly snacks all coming my way. Meanwhile, Dick was given a passing glance and a quick smile, the unstated message from his family being, “Good job knocking her up. You can move out of our way now.” Suddenly, Dick was barely a blip on the paternal radar.

When Adam came along, I expected that some residual relevancy would still cling to me as the mother of the new baby. I knew my importance was on the decline, but I refused to admit the truth. The truth was harsh. Grandparents semed to view me strictly as a hollow vessel. With a soft, pink baby there to cuddle and coo over I might just as well have been a servant lurking in the shadows, only there to silently serve the needs of his majesty every 45 minutes to an hour. Inside my head, I was like – What about me? I just gave birth here – had an emergency c-section even. Where’s my pat on the back for surviving 5 months of daily puking followed promptly by 4 months of being subjected to constant kicks to my bladder? 

The initial descent into irrelevancy is steep and harsh.  I’d like to say that our status has gradually recovered some of its lost respectability since Adam was born, but that’d be a big, fat lie.  As the children become more like little people, their allure grows while ours continues to decline.   The only consolation Dick and I have is that, while our relevancy may be in the toilet with our families, we seem to have a devoted fan base here at home.  Adam and Tabitha may be little, but I know when they see me approaching after a solo grocery run or an evening out, the greeting I receive from them is nothing short of frenzied enthusiasm. 

As the kids get older, I suspect my meter will dip back into negative territory so I’m going to enjoy their attention while it lasts.  I’ll take comfort in knowing that at least Dick and I aren’t alone in the discard pile – we have each other – and like misery, irrelevancy loves company.

Coming in at #3 on my list of parenting life lessons, I thought it was time to get a little Atticus Finch on your ass…

Walk a mile in another mommy’s shoes before you go passing judgement on her parenting style

Macaroni & cheese dinner, chicken nuggets, french fries, frozen bagel pizzas. Welcome to the contents of my new kid-friendly freezer.

After Adam was born, I made a pact with Dick to prepare only the most wholesome, natural food we could make or buy. Only fresh fruit & veg for our kids. No pre-packaged, mass-produced, sugary, chemical-laden crap.

Usually I reserve the pleasure of being judgmental for silently ripping on the silicone-inflated, overly-dressed New Jersey mom caricatures teetering in their Jimmy Choos at the local mall. But my smug superiority has been known to extend to parenting from time to time. I readily admit that I’ve looked down upon parents who embrace convenience foods for their kids. I thought they were probably taking the easy way out and their children would surely pay the price with their health.  Parents who let their kids zone in front of Noggin for hours a day were another pet peeve of mine. “What about stimulating your child’s imagination and developing his cognitive abilities?”, I’d say under my breath. Yes, I was judgmental.  Not anymore…

Once I went back to work and my SAHM gig ended (SAHM=stay-at-home-mom, for the uninitiated), I learned that preparing healthy food for yourself is difficult enough, but finding time to prepare let alone convince a child to eat anything nutritious is nearly impossible.  Sometimes you just have to feed them what you’ll know they’ll eat and trust that, on balance, they’re getting what they need to keep going and growing.

I also learned that a working mother’s schedule doesn’t afford you a lot of flexibility. It’s tough to focus on thinking about and preparing a gourmet meal when that 14ft tall pile of laundry is always looming and so are children’s demands for attention, about a gazillion household chores, oh, and then there’s obligatory sex (which you give up as a reward to your husband for not leaving you and the children) – the list goes on and on.  This means that something’s gotta give and it’s usually nutrition.  The convenient allure of pre-packaged food seduces you so easily…

I have turned to the dark side. Convenience foods? Check! Mind-numbing TV to zone out the children? Check! No longer can I harshly judge others for falling back on modern convenience in the face of endless responsibilities.  I figure, as long as you’re not actively neglecting or abusing your kid I’m of the belief that good child-rearing is a concept open to interpretation. 

So, you let your kids watch TV unattended while you make dinner?  I say – “How clever, you are!” 

Occasionally, you slip junior some children’s Benadryl so you can get more than 2 hours of sleep? I say – “Good thinking, girlfriend!”

You want to bring your iPod to the restaurant loaded with episodes of ‘Sponge Bob’ so you can, maybe, get in some adult conversation? I say – “Brilliant!”

Although I may choose to do things differently with my kids it doesn’t mean that whatever that other mommy is doing is wrong, bad or lazy. It’s great to have ideals & principles, but it’s also important to demonstrate your flexibiulity and openess to other ideas without judgment. Both are equally important lessons to pass on to our children.  Let’s stop judging one another so harshly. Parenting isn’t a competition anyone ends up winning.

But, I do feel compelled to warn you: If you’re strutting through a fancy New Jersey mall with a face that says, “Plastic surgery is my favorite past-time” and wearing loud designer clothing that should’ve been left on the Neiman Marcus mannequin, as far as I’m concerned it’s open season on judgement.  Let that catty bitch out of the bag!