Raw Drip

I have a confession: when I’m not watching TV shows about volcanoes, Bigfoot or historical events (oh, and Project Runway) I occasionally watch true crime shows on cable.  Don’t judge me.  You see, before kids, true crime TV & books, and re-runs of “Law & Order” were amongst my favorite pastimes.  

But in the past few years, the true crime genre holds less appeal.  Years of watching criminals make the same dumb mistakes over and over has left me feeling frustrated and disappointed in my fellow humans.  With all the forensic techniques available to authorities for coaxing damning evidence out of otherwise innocuous items, there’s simply no room for amateurish, sloppy or stupid criminal behavior anymore.  Some of the more common and, to me, infuriating slip-ups include:

Poisoning multiple spouses

It’s one thing when your 1st spouse suddenly kicks the bucket, but people will be suspicious when your 2nd and 3rd spouses also die under similarly mysterious circumstances.  True crime TV has taught me that when an otherwise healthy individual keels over suddenly – it’s almost always poison, it’s almost always for the insurance money and the perpetrator almost always gets caught.  It’s even more of a no-brainer when the suspect has already hooked up with a new person before their dead spouse’s body is in the ground.  They might as well just walk around wearing an ”I’m the murderer” t-shirt!

Leaving a paper or virtual trail

Dear Criminals,

If you need to resort to Wikipedia to research killing someone, you’re probably over-thinking it.  I can’t tell you how many TV shows I’ve seen where the suspect was caught after police did a routine check of his/her home computer and found all the incriminating evidence they would ever need in the Internet Explorer history file.  Tip: Searching for terms like “How to murder someone without getting caught” will usually send up a big red-flag to investigating authorities… 

Also, when resorting to your local library for help, take the extra step of donning some latex gloves (hellooo- fingerprints?).  And, for God’s sake, don’t check the book out with YOUR library card!  While I applaud your responsible book-borrowing, I think it’s wiser to just bring a notebook and nonchalantly jot down instructions for your preferred murder method.  Then, (and this is crucial) make a point of committing these instructions to memory.  Once memorized, permanently dispose of the entire notebook - not just the page you wrote on.  Remember, paper trail = bad. 

Good luck!

-Your BTCF

Making a statement to the police without a lawyer present 

I learned this from years of watching Law & Order - no attorney present during any police questioning is a huge no-no.  You think you’ve go all the right answers rehearsed, all the details straight in your head, but then out of nowhere, the police tag-team you with some stale good cop/bad cop routine and the next thing you know, your entire alibi falls apart.  Here’s the deal: when detectives start waving their badges, you ask for your attorney.  Simple.  

***** 

I think our society has a great appreciation for the entertainment that idiocy provides – think of shows like Beavis and Butt-Head and Jackass, for instance.   Maybe I’m in the minority here but I enjoy entertainment that’s more about inventiveness – inspired creativity.  I think my brain craves the twists, turns and complex moral dilemmas of the pre-Fred Thompson, Law & Order episodes. 

To save this dying genre, drastic measures are needed.  For my part, I’ve written a little perp pep-talk for all you criminal types out there.  Let’s hope this motivates you to think of others (for a change!) when you’re committing crime.  Here it goes:    

“Come on, guys/ladies! Amateurish, sloppy & stupid is so YouTube.  It’s time to challenge those of us who’ve been dedicated fans of true crime for more than 5 minutes, okay?  No more searching Craigslist for a hit man – obvious.  No more Swiss cheese alibis courtesy of your flaky, pothead cousin  – been there/done that.  No more leaving your DNA all over the place – you might was well just turn yourself in to the police now. 

Do you know what your future TV show and book audience is looking for?  Charisma, charm and good looks will score you a People magazine cover, but how do you take it to the next level?  It’s a little thing called project management, people!  If you want to achieve notoriety in this crowded field of Scott Peterson-wannabes and fallen sports heroes, you need to apply some basic organizational skills to the task at hand.  You need to work on your PRiDE – Plan, Rehearse, focus on Details and Execute!  And remember, a dose of originality never hurts (or it can if pain’s your thing and you’re using the right equipment).

So, what are we gonna do when the police show up asking questions?  That’s right!  We’re going to call a lawyer.  And, what are we gonna wear when we go to the library to research murder?  Gloves.  Very good.  Now let’s get out there and kill ‘em!”