Judging by the ads interspersed throughout the TV shows I watch on the Science Channel, National Geographic Channel, and the History Channel, one would assume that I’m a middle-aged male with erectile dysfunction (ED).  I find this a bit troublesome since I’m a 36-year old mother of two who just so happens to enjoy shows about volcanoes, Bigfoot and major historical events.  I think the ad programmers are being a little too presumptive about their target audience.

More so, I find the ED ads are just offensive.  I’m offended by them because I think they focus yet more attention on an organ that’s already way over exposed – the penis.  That darn organ manages to insert itself into everything!  You have to admit, our society’s phallic fixation is remarkable.  Everything can be construed into a phallic reference from lipstick, to skyscrapers, to food.  Clearly this organ is just a show-off, constantly trying to draw attention to itself.  No wonder it’s managed to direct the bulk of pharmaceutical research dollars its way.  It seems everyone will go out of their way to keep the penis happy and productive (gulp.). 

As parents of two toddlers, it’s safe to say that my penis, is rarely satisfied with the amount of attention it’s getting.  Heck, one might even say that it’s attention starved.  There’s only so much time in the day for me to take care of Adam, Tabitha, a house, a job, a dog, pay bills, stay in touch with friends & family, write underwhelming stuff for you, and maybe, if I’m lucky, take care of myself.  Sometimes I just can’t fit the penis into my busy schedule.  Hugs, kisses, and cuddling are all good, but the penis almost always wants more.  And, let’s face it, sometimes you just want to be left alone.  You don’t want anyone climbing on you, poking you, or keeping you from losing consciousness. 

Ah, but the penis is a sensitive organ – not just physically, but emotionally, as well.  In my experience, the penis co-opts the brain of your otherwise practical mate, and the next thing you know, your request for a little peace & quiet has led to pleas for attention, frustration, displays of anger, and then feelings of rejection.  The penis can turn nasty in the blink of an eye. 

Look, it’s not that I don’t love my penis. I do – very much.  And yes, I know my husband still thinks I’m “hawt” after all these years (gotta love that Dick!), and I know that if I can just put my overwhelming desire to collapse into a comatose heap aside for a few moments, I’ll begin to remember all the good reasons why I love that pesky penis so much. 

But sometimes, secretly, I long for the days when it’ll be just the two of us again – just me and my husband.  We’ll talk, hold hands, cuddle, and look back fondly on our years with the penis between us.   Then, with a twinkle in his eye, Dick will pop a few pills and rock my world for old times sake.

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