I think it’s my latest head cold that has me feeling like a raw nerve, but today’s 10-minute run to the grocery store sure didn’t help.  My edginess was aggravated by the mob of elderly thugs who invaded my quiet suburban grocery store, seemingly for the sole purpose of trying to kill me, or at least bug the crap out of me.

Before I go on, you should know that I’ve always been extremely tolerant of the elderly, having been an old person trapped inside a young person’s body most of my life (ironically, the older I get, the more I feel like a young person trapped in an old person’s body).  Anyway, ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you of my great affinity and compassion for elders.  I was the kid who used to be a volunteer reader at the nursing home.  I would read to the lonely grandmas & grandpas, listen to their stories and talk to them about their families, and I can honestly say I enjoyed their company.  But today, in my weakened condition and sans even a modicum of patience, my sterling reputation with the elderly has been compromised.

Let the ranting begin…

Attention Elderly People:

  • Who told you it’s acceptable to drive in reverse using only your side-view mirrors?  Do you drive forward with your eyes closed?  Ah-ha! Didn’t think so.  Because driving – whether you’re going forward or backward – should be accompanied by LOOKING. So sorry, but you’re gonna have to turn that arthritic little neck of yours before you run over a perfectly nice mom in a grocery store parking lot.
  • I think we’ve established that most of you have great difficulty parking (and driving) safely, so why do you feel it’s necessary to back into parking spaces?  Do you find yourself in the position of needing to make a quick get-away, often? Rather than make everyone wait while you spend 20 minutes trying to back into a space (using only your mirrors, of course), how about you just pull forward into a space like a normal person?
  • Do you realize it’s called a remote keyless entry device because it can be used REMOTELY?  That’s right; you don’t have to stand next to the car, pressing the “lock” button as if you were starring in a video demonstration called “How to Depress a Button.”  Besides, no one wants to steal your rusting 1989 Ford Taurus station wagon, anyway.
  • How do you manage to get in front of me on every, single aisle of the grocery store moving at that glacial pace you love, while completely blocking the aisle to all other traffic?  Seriously, I want to know how you do that. Because, dang!, it’s a skill…
  • Does the AARP require you to bypass manned checkout lanes for self-checkout lanes so you can act as an undercover agent, exposing malicious price-gouging of the elderly?  Is it part of your secret spy work to then bungle up the computerized menu, forcing a manager to come over and manually ring up your purchase as you bitch and moan about “all these god-damned computers everywhere”?  Here’s an idea, if you’re intimidated by your automobile remote, how about you do the rest of us a favor and stay the heck away from computerized checkout lanes? M’kay??
  • I realize you’ve been around much longer than I have and have a wealth of knowledge to share, but would it be possible for you to withhold sharing your opinion about EVERY product on the pharmaceuticals aisle?  I know that cold medicine I picked out will only mask my symptoms, rather than speed my recovery – and I’m okay with that.  That means you need to be okay with it, too and LET IT GO.

I realize that in Florida I’m outnumbered by oldies.  But I think today’s frustrations stem from feeling as if I’ve joined their ranks.  With fever, body aches, and a sore throat for the gazillionth time this year, never have I felt older than I have today.  Today’s onslaught of the oldies has provided me with a glimpse into my future, full of failing health and waning patience.  All this good humor, charm and grace you’re accustomed to from me, well, it’ll be gone soon and I’ll be just another opinionated, swearing, blind-driving, old bag who used to occasionally have something funny or interesting to say.

Ugh.  Never mind…I’m just tired.  It’s 5 o’clock, time for my next pill, and way past my nap time.

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