Raw Drip

…design & build a decent ladies’ restroom?

Aside from the more obvious things like the fact that there are never enough stalls in ladies’ restrooms, there are several other pet peeves I have with the modern ladies’ room.  They are as follows:

The tractor-trailer-wheel toilet paper roll 

These rolls are so large and heavy, that it’s nearly impossible to get more than a square at a time.  Furthermore, the only reason that anyone would put a 4,000 sheet roll of toilet paper in a bathroom is so they won’t ever have to go in there again.  The lack of regular restroom service usually reveals itself in the forced-labor camp conditions with days of accumulated filth, no paper towels, missing toilet seat covers and empty soap dispensers.  With only tissue-paper-thin 1-ply toilet paper squares to work with, we women are forced to morph into MacGyver, fashioning our own rudimentary toilet seat covers and paper towels.

Autoflush Toilets

Dear Autoflush Toilet Inventors,

I, too, find an unflushed toilet to be disgusting and unsanitary, but a toilet that automatically flushes every 12 seconds as I’m sitting on it, providing me with an invigorating spray of cold toilet water on my ass, is similarly disconcerting.  Please just trust that, aside from the occasional fluke, we’re all adults here and most of us can handle the responsibility of flushing the toilet when we’re done.  Thanks.

Automatic Fixtures 

It’s not just the automatic toilets that are bothersome.  Other automatic fixtures fare no better, in my opinion.  Since Oprah and the local evening news fear segments have brainwashed us all into not touching bathroom fixtures, we’re stuck doing “the wave” while standing in front of the sink.  “The wave” is a frantic dance move characterized by wildly waving wet hands.  You’re forced to perform this dance in order to get the infrared sensor on the automatic faucet to recognize that you’re standing there, ready for some cleansing.  With several women lined up at the sinks in a public restroom, it can look like a choreographed excerpt from Dream Girls. 

As if it’s not bad enough that you have to now “entertain” the faucet to get water, you also have to do the dance to get soap out of the automatic soap dispenser.  And, if I can go off topic for just a moment, I find those auto-soap dispensers to be disgusting.  I don’t know about you, but usually when something spurts white goo onto my hands, it’s after I’ve been treated to dinner and a movie. 

Automatic Hand Dryers  

The auto hand dryer is possibly the worst invention ever, as it’s simply incapable of drying hands.  The newest incarnation of this device is the Fujita scale F5 tornado variety which provides a blast of air so powerful that it makes the flesh on the tops of your hands ripple - but somehow leaves you dripping wet.  I don’t get it.  And, frankly, I find their supposed “environmentally friendly” reputation to be more than a bit questionable.  Every woman I know immediately uses a paper napkin, paper towel, or a toilet seat cover to finish the job, thus wasting paper AND electricity.  

Baby Diapering  Stations

A baby changing table is an essential device for any restroom – NOT JUST THE LADIES’ ROOM!  Men change diapers, too. 

And here’s an idea for the baby changing table inventors: maybe you guys can make them out of something more substantial than recycled Dixie cups?  I’ve bought $3.99 plastic lawn chairs from the drugstore that were studier than those things.  If I can’t hang my 5lb Marc Jacobs handbag from it without it bowing under the pressure, I’m certainly not laying my 20lb infant on it.  Don’t make me choose my baby over my handbag…