Cruising through my neglected Facebook Inbox today I stumbled upon the following message from a good friend relaying a sadly, all too familiar, story.  

“So … I get a Harry + David box in the mail from my brother and I’m thinking, ‘Woohoo! My big brother loves me and is thinking about me!’And I open it and it is all fruit and low-fat snacks. Dried fruit. Fat free cake (!!) and fat free popcorn. And I am left thinking, ‘My brother loves me and is thinking about me – and what he thinks is that I am fat.’

All that awesome chocolate H + D sells and I get dried fruit. I do love their pears, so I’ll go eat a gourmet pear and be thankful and stop being a fat, bitchy ingrate.”

I feel her pain.  I think I’m pretty open about my gifting hang-ups, but there’s something particularly traumatic about a gift that moves from thoughtless crap into thoughtful crap.  And, when that thoughtful gift screams, “I worry about how fat you’ve become”, it’s hard not to take it personally.  I know you’re supposed to console yourself with that old platitude, “It’s the thought that counts…”, but when that thought is, at best, harsh and , at worst, downright insulting, how do you respond?

Option #1: The Passive/Aggressive Bitch e-Card Approach

A brilliant idea waiting for its time...

Bitch e-Cards: A brilliant idea waiting for its time & a wealthy venture capitalist...

Option #2: The Honest, Open Communication Approach

Dear Big Bro,

Thank you for the Harry & David gift basket.  Most gift baskets are chock full of deliciously decadent treats that really help a girl going through a crisis.  The moment I saw a box from H&D on my doorstep, I could already picture myself watching some bad reality TV and tucking into some good ole’ fashioned comfort food.   But to my surprise, your basket with it’s carefully selected contents of fat free cake, fat free popcorn, and low calorie dried fruit, certainly made up in thoughtfulness what it lacked in flavor!

I’m sure it’s unnecessary, but I’ve enclosed a photo of myself, enjoying your gift – so you’ll always have something to remember me by after my obesity-related, premature death. 













Again, thanks for looking out for me.



P.S. I’m pudgy, not stupid.  Please spare me all the coy subtlety next time and go with a ‘Sympathy’ card. It’ll cost a lot less and taste about the same as that cardboard labeled “fat free cake”.  

Option #3: Get therapy

Admittedly, this is the costliest of the three options I’ve presented, but it certainly stands a much better chance of achieving positive, lasting results.  Some women have reported improvements in their self-esteem in as little as two sessions.  With therapy, you’ll be able to empty your basket of fear, self-loathing, and anger – and fill it with a bountiful harvest of fulfillment, and all the fruits of your self-improvement labors!

Hm.  Nope.  The more I think about it, the more Option #3 seems way too much like work.  Instead, I’m leaning towards…

Option #4: Bring it.  Cover all that fat-free crap in chocolate, salt, whipped cream & butter.  

Let’s face it, even a basket of the healthiest food is gonna be pretty tasty when served with a heaping side of self-indulgence.  Bon appetit!


Spread the Love:
  • Digg
  • Facebook
  • TwitThis