Dick and I have been a couple for nearly 20 years.  We met in high school.  He was the awkward, nerdy guy that girls were friends with, but didn’t take seriously.  I was the moderately popular tall girl that somehow blended in wherever I went.  Fate and a flaky date of mine threw us together in our junior year and we’ve been inseparable ever since.  Our love affair is the stuff of 80’s-era John Houston films. 

So I guess it’s ironic that such a stable, loving relationship could be ended by something so small - so insignificant as a plastic milk ring (see crappy picture below of the one I found on my kitchen counter this morning).

And, yet, I predict that the little plastic ring from a newly opened 1 gallon jug of milk will be the thing that finally destroys our marriage. 

You see, when Dick opens a new jug of milk, he has the habit of tearing off the plastic ring which holds the cap in place and then leaving it on the kitchen counter.  He does this while standing next to the refrigerator and always places the ring in the same spot.  The trash can is 2 feet behind him as he performs this ritual and the plastic recyclables bin is under the sink, perhaps 12-inches away. 

So, why not just dispose of it?  Why leave it on the counter for me to throw away?  Is this some sort of message or code he’s sending to his alien handlers?  Or, maybe it’s a test and every time I throw the ring away, I provide him with subtle insights into my true character?  (On second thought, it’s definitely not the latter, as that would imply that Dick is observant - a fact which I know to be untrue by his complete inability to find a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g.)  

Several years ago I conducted an experiment in an attempt to isolate the motivations behind Dick’s odd behavior.  When Dick left a milk ring on the counter one night, I didn’t mention it or touch it for exactly one week.  He never touched it, either.  In fact, we both took silent pains to work around the milk ring - carefully preparing meals, washing dishes, and making coffee.  It was if a priceless piece of art with a little red velvet rope around it were sitting on our kitchen counter.  Finally, at the end of the week, I couldn’t take it anymore.  I confronted him about the milk ring.  His excuse (seriously, no kidding, here) - he thought I was saving it for something.

When faced with such absurd excuses, the only comfort I have is knowing that all couples have a milk ring in their relationship.  It may take the form of the trash can in the office that NEVER gets emptied, no matter how many times you remind your partner.  Or, maybe, your milk ring is your partner’s habit of leaving the lid off the toothpaste or drinking orange juice straight from the carton.  Whatever it is - it’s pointless, annoying behavior that seems specifically designed to piss you off. 

But, I think I can offer you some assurances, here - it’s probably not about you.  The more I think about Dick’s milk ring thing, the more I’m convinced that it’s sheer laziness on his part and nothing more.  Most, if not all of his annoying habits have no design to them and are just the odd quirks of an otherwise loving, thoughtful husband. 

Lately, with aging parents and children serving as constant reminders of our brief hour upon this stage, I imagine myself in the sad situation of some day actually missing Dick’s annoying little milk ring habit.  Vividly, I can see my aged hand, outstretched, leaving a freshly torn milk ring on the counter, in a silent, loving tribute to my dear mate…

my mate, who was mysteriously killed after leaving a milk ring on the kitchen counter one night.