Not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but I’m a super hero. I don’t have a cape, or wear a shiny Lycra jumpsuit (thank God!). Flashy just isn’t my style. As a super hero, I like to keep a low profile. Besides, with a job, a husband, and 2 kids, I’ve always felt that I have enough to do without going around saving everyone else.

What are my super powers, you ask? I have the power of super decryption, for one. Along with my power to accessorize, and my power to summon an invisible force field to protect myself from harm in a crisis, the power to decrypt or de-code is one of my most oft used powers. With it, I’m able to rapidly analyze coded speech and behavior patterns to filter out lies, half-truths, and other bullshit. Using my super decrypto powers, statements from Dick like, “I’ll take the trash out in 20 minutes…” are efficiently translated to, “I’ll take the trash out in an hour or whenever I can no longer tolerate your nagging…”

Some recent examples of my super decrypto power at work with…

The Kids

Code

Translation
I didn’t hit Tabitha! She started it! I totally hit Tabitha and I’d do it again.
(Limping & crying) I banged my knee and it gots the blood on it. I lightly tapped my knee on the edge of the table. There’s not really a mark (or blood), but I want a SpiderMan band aid, anyway.
Did you got the big spider dead? He was trying to bite me! Did you get rid of the ridiculously small gnat that was bothering me?

The Spouse

Code
 Translation
That chicken was interesting… Please don’t make that chicken again.
That sweater really brings out the green in your eyes.. Your boobs look amazing in that sweater.
I was just finishing up my video game right now, sweetie… I was just about to start a new game until you came over here and started hassling me, nag.
But, I just want to cuddle… Sex, please.

The Boss

Code
 Translation
Let’s dialogue on that… Please don’t pester me with more of your ideas…
What’s your schedule look like next week? I’m about to completely decimate your schedule.
Hm. Okaaay… It’s NOT okay.

I even use my powers to help others…

For my Girlfriends

Code

Translation
He said he’s not ready to be in a relationship, but we’ve been dating exclusively for 10 months! He’s a commitment-phobe. Move on.  It’s going nowhere.
He told me that he made out with a guy once, but he swears he’s not gay. If he’s making out with guys, he’s gay.  Move on.
He tells me he loves me & wants to be with me, but then he plans an entire 2-week vacation without me. If he can’t handle going on vacation with you, he can’t handle a relationship with you…move on.

Yes – super decrypto power makes me a force to be reckoned with.  At work, my cubicle is a a virtual mecca for desperate people, seeking my code-breaking expertise from the oracle, otherwise known as Sam.  What can I say? I’m gooood. 

But the flip side to being a super hero is the whole “my powers are a blessing and a curse” thing. I know that with great power comes great responsibility.  I’ve read some Churchill and I saw Spiderman, so I get it. 

More importantly, I understand that not only must I look out for myself and my family, I must use my powers to help my fellow super heroes – the women in my life. Every super hero’s powers are different, so the only way to defeat the forces of evil is to pull together and help each other out as fellow super mommy’s, girlfriends, teachers, spouses, parents, and friends.  From time to time, I may even need to summon my super decrypto powers to open a can of reality-check-whoop-ass on a fellow super hero (see “For my girlfriends” above).  It’s hard and you may hate me for a few weeks.   But stay strong.  Only when we unite, do we unravel the mysteries of children, and triumph over loser boyfriends, user girlfriends, neglectful husbands, and narrow-minded, scheming middle managers!

So, until next time…Super Decrypto Woman wishes you well and says, “Mind the B.S. and stay true to your cool.”

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