Welcome to my first blog entry.  Time to dazzle you with profoundly pithy prose.  No pressure, right? 

Whenever I considered blogging, I’d always been overcome by the notion it could be either A) a fun way to amuse myself by sharing my random thoughts with everyone or no one, or B) a serious writing endeavor.  Notion B was further complicated by my fear that publicizing my stance on much of anything, even matters as trivial as the latest drunken celebutante crotch-shot, would put me into the precarious position of mucking around with my permanent record.  Ultimately, fear kept me mum.  

But recently something changed.  Maybe it was the fast-approaching 36th birthday.  After all, Marilyn Monroe and Princess Di were both dead by 36; this could be it for me.  If there’s a tunnel in Paris or a bottle of barbiturates with my name on it this year, then dammit!,  I’m giving this blogging thing a try.  

So, when my husband, Jason, asked me this morning what I was thinking about over breakfast, my untypical response was honesty. “I’m thinking of writing my own blog,” I replied. 

It’s not often that I answer the “Penny for your thoughts?” question honestly.  I worry that an honest response will reveal me as the petty, narrow, self-centered person I really am.  So, like many people, I lie.  Here are some examples of previously suppressed responses to this question:

  • “I was thinking about how much money it would take to hire a nanny, a full-time housekeeper, and a professional chef.”
  • “I’m dreaming about ditching you and the kids and running off to Monte Carlo with the neighbor’s well-muscled lawn boy, Rodrigo.”
  • “I was plotting a way to lock myself in the bedroom with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Chunk to watch a marathon of quasi-female-empowerment films on Lifetime Movie Network.”
  • “I’m sick of all you people. Can’t I enjoy a single moment of peace without you pestering me?” 

There are others, but I’m not sure I’m ready to bare my soul to you.  After all, we just met.

So where was I?  Ah, the “I think I’d like to blog” idea.  Well, as soon as I answered him honestly, I regretted my decision.  My suddenly blog-saavy husband immediately began sharing the “rules” for successful blogging.  The first rule: blog about something interesting that people will actually want to read about. 

Crap!  I’m already in trouble.  People might actually read this?  And rule number two?

Rule number two: once you have an “angle”, narrow your focus and maintain consistent coverage of your topic so as not to alienate your fan base with sporadic, off-topic ramblings. 

Fan base?  What fan base?  No rambling?  What if rambling is my style?

Basically, my idea to write about random crap at my leisure and for my own amusement, was completely ruined.  This means, if I follow all the rules you will miss out on such exciting entries as:

  1. Britney Spears: What a f@#$in’ train wreck, eh?
  2. Why I am afraid of dwarfishly small female office managers
  3. Fun with toddlers:  Let’s play find the feces!
  4. My spooky track record with natural disasters
  5. Why I think Bigfoot is probably real

I know what you’re thinking.  You’d really like to read 2, 4 and 5.  But no.  Dick thinks I need to think critically, find my voice, and write with my audience in mind.  So, sorry; no Bigfoot for you.