Raw Drip

At #4 on my list of 5 things I’ve learned since becoming a parent is what I like to sum-up as “The Superdad Double Standard”.  Allow me to explain…

Society scrutinizes women’s mothering skills through a high-powered microscope but dad’s are viewed through rose-colored, Vaseline-coated designer lenses

In a sandwich shop with Dick and the children several months ago two 60-something ladies approached as we were clearing our table and all but embraced my husband for being such an involved, caring father to his children. 

“Your children are SO lucky to have a father like you. You’re just wonderful with those kids!”, they gushed, eyes filled with adoration.  Meanwhile, as Dick was being given his father of the year award, I was trying to keep Adam from throwing ceramic plates into the trash, making sure Tabitha didn’t cook her head in the microwave, and wiping baked potato soup off the hood of my coat – all while keeping a calm, cool demeanor.

Having been someone who was raised without a father, I know that good ones are few and far between.  And I’m the first person to say that I feel very, very fortunate to have Dick as the father of my children.  He is fantastic.  I love him so much, couldn’t ask for a better partner and I hope to God he never leaves me.  BUT, if I have to hear one more time how lucky I am to have Dick be involved in CARING FOR HIS OWN CHILDREN – I may scream.  Seriously, I may just stop wherever I am and let out an ear-deafening, glass-shattering scream. 

Why is it that men are congratulated for doing the same crap women are expected to do everyday?  Why is the bar set so low that a man gets rave reviews just for showing up but a woman barely garners fleeting recognition for her accomplishments unless she’s gorgeous, thin, chic, sexy, healthy, smart, savvy, involved, energetic, loving, even-tempered, fastidious, diplomatic, organized, and sexually enthusiastic?  Why the double-standard?  And, why are fellow women the one’s always pointing out to us how lucky we are? 

The familiar 70’s era Enjoli perfume commercial jingle just keeps ringing through my head…

For years women have been bringing home the bacon, frying it up in a pan, and never letting their man forget he’s a man.  But what this now-quaint ad only touches upon is how the Enjoli woman, in addition to earning bacon, cooking it and making it with her man, was also doing all the laundry, caring for the children, doing all the household planning, tending to the housekeeping, paying bills, acting as a personal chauffeur, growing a career, and taking care of a million other things – all at the same time.  On top of all that, from a cultural perspective, the Enjoli woman actually had to fight for the privilege of shouldering these burdens all by herself – man optional. Sure, that woman “had it all” alright, but I bet you she would’ve liked to unload some of it from time to time. Surely no woman of any generation is flawlessly capable without the help of a good partner – or at least a good supply of uppers.

Therefore, I’ve come to believe that the constant reminders I get from the baby-boomer generation of women about how fortunate I am to have a partner in raising my children is more of a reflection on where we came from as a culture.  Undoubtedly, my female predeccessors were expected to be everything to everyone all the time and at great cost to themselves.  So perhaps some of them look upon my partnership with Dick and instead of praising the fact that we are stronger, more involved parents because we’re both committed to raising the best kids we possibly can, instead they see only a man who’s not ashamed to show some PDA with his kids, wipe snotty noses, or sing the ABCs in public and they feel compelled to congratulate him for getting it right. And, part of me is down with that line of thinking. The other part of me thinks that they should recognize that their own fight for equality wasn’t as much about liberating women from traditional gender roles as it was about demonstrating to the establishment that interdependence gets more accomplished with less pain and sacrifice for both genders.

So all you Enjoli women out there, please do me a favor. Start praising BOTH parents and stop singling out daddy for all the attention. Just because you can finally see him doing his part doesn’t mean that it still isn’t just 1/3 of what his partner is doing.