Raw Drip

While talking down a female colleague the other day who was ready to jump out her office window after her latest run-in with a male colleague who miraculously manages to make himself look like an indispensably ingenious ”decider” while churning out mess after mess for the rest of us to clean up, she made an exasperated observation about the state of male/female roles – “Nothing’s ever going to change. Men build and women maintain.” 

That’s a pretty sweeping statement, don’t you think?  Could it be true?  Are women relegated to the role of maintenance worker for the literal and metaphorical buildings of men?  I’m not one to believe in absolutes or conspiracy theories, but the more I think about it, the more I’m convinced she might be on to something…

When you think of the word “building” from a literal perspective, it’s mostly men that come to mind; admittedly two extremes - the handsome architect (think Mike Brady) or the ubiquitous crass & filthy construction worker hurling pathetic pick-up lines and wolf whistles at female passersby. 

But when you take the concept of building to the metaphorical level, you think of the male status quo.  Politics – mostly men.  Corporate America – mostly men.  And we’ve all read decades worth of gritty “Glamour” and “Cosmo” magazine exposés about injustices against women in the workforce.  From everything we’ve read, heard, seen and experienced, it’s no big surprise that 40 years after the women’s liberation movement began employment statistics still reflect a dramatic lack of female executive leadership in Corporate America.  Indisputably, it seems men and women see building as a man’s world.

But I think my colleague’s comments were meant to address something even deeper than how we think the world perceives the role of women or how we perceive the world.  I think she may have touched on the big, pink elephant in the corner of the room that none of us wants to talk about – how we perceive ourselves.  

Like most of us, I tend to designate my husband as the literal and metaphorical “builder” on our team.  I’m happy to take the second banana role most of the time.  And, to expose my own big, pink elephant for your reading pleasure, I’ll admit that I do this in part because if he screws something up, I want to maintain a safe distance by being in the superior position of standing outside the wreckage with my finger pointed squarely at him and a stern ”I told you so” glare on my face.  Of course, if Dicks’ building holds firm and performs as designed, I also want to take team credit, because darn it – he’s a better builder for having ME on his team! 

Want to hear some more truth?  I assume my support status knowing that I’ll resent my own decision to do so later.  In an ultimate hypocritical act, I’ll paint my maintenance worker status as a burden rather than a choice (especially to my female friends who all do the same thing and will surely sympathize with me) and, thus, directly perpetuate all of the stereotypes I claim to so despise.  Why?

One thing I know for certain here is that the answers are numerous and complicated.  Partly (and maybe this is too easy), I think we’ve all bought into the marketing messages that tell women as consumers, that maintenance is in our own best interest.  Marketing vehicles paint a picture of the successful woman who builds and maintains a life worth coveting, but they only ever sell you on the maintenance angle.  Some examples:

• Need a trip to the Plastic Surgeon for some Botox injections?  Well, that’s just routine maintenance, right? 
• Your highlights are beginning to show roots? ”Well, you have to be prepared to maintain them?” your stylist says. 
• A household that’s anything but clean or orderly? Try to get into the habit of doing a few chores every day to avoid an avalanche of household maintenance on the weekends.
• Your husband or partner isn’t staying in touch with family so they all reach out to you?  That’s a clear-cut case of woman in the role of maintaining good familial relationships. 
• Is your sex life on the skids?  Well, you better do something to maintain the passion and keep his interest, lest a better maintained woman come along and snatch your builder from you. 

Are you tired yet?  I know I’m exhausted.  With all the maintenance work we women are told to we need to do, who has the time or energy to go around building anything?   In fact, with maintenance being so much effort and affording so much female commiseration, it’s easy to see how we allow ourselves to be satisfied or even fooled into believing it’s the more powerful and glorious of the two options.  In fact, women who throw off maintenance role conventions are often trash-talked by other women - referred to as ”bitches” for embracing their ambition.  See?  It’s complicated.  It’s no wonder we relegate ourselves to the maintenance worker class.   It seems like the much smarter and less risky thing to do, doesn’t it? 

I’m sure there are many women who aren’t fooled by the media messages and who aren’t disparaged publicly or privately for their ability to build and maintain.  I know there are men who are much happier maintaining than they are building and will happily take the heat for all the innuendo about their manliness.  But imagine what we could all do if we could find a way to cast aside the myths and the fears?  Maybe we could build and maintain a future where building and maintaining were appreciated equally and weren’t implicit gender identifiers.   Maybe together we can kick the big, pink elephant out of one corner of the room so we can focus on all the other nooks and crannies where darker issues lurk.