As I was walking into a stunningly filthy restaurant bathroom with my children several weeks ago, between the fellow patron who hogged the only working sink to floss her teeth while a line formed behind her and the woman who had her cell phone set to “speaker phone” so we could all hear every little detail of her personal life, it occurred to me that we women may need Emily Post, or some other mannerly maven to go public with all of the other, lesser known rules of restroom etiquette. Rules such as:

  • Never use the handicap stall unless you’re disabled or have small children. I cannot stress this enough! Often, these are the only stalls with diapering tables and more importantly, they are the only stalls large enough to accomodate one mom and two active preschoolers for whom going potty is still a really new & exciting adventure.
  • If there are multiple stalls available, try to leave an empty stall between you and your neighbor. I don’t need to have a Sen. Larry Craig restroom moment with you. Respect my personal space, please.
  • Don’t take the last piece of TP and then not tell the next woman entering the stall after you that she’s high & dry. That’s just rude.
  • Wipe around the sink area with a towel when you’re done, please. No one wants to drop their handbag into a gooey, soapy cesspool.
  • Don’t chat on your cell phone while going to the bathroom. I don’t care how quiet, efficient, cute or funny you think you’re being - it’s just tacky. If you’re going to do that, please keep the speaker phone setting off. And, by all means, don’t jokingly reveal what you’re doing to the poor sucker who’s trapped on the phone with you and must now go about their business with a mental image of you doing your business. Some things are just sacred, people - have some dignity & self-respect!
  • Always flush. A public restroom is not the time for you to adhere to the “if it’s brown flush it down/if it’s yellow, let it mellow” rule. I don’t care if it’s #1 or #2, it’s gotta go before I do.
  • Sadly, public restroom visits may be my only zen moment of the day as a working mother. It’s not a time when I want friendly strangers to strike up a conversation with me. In any other setting, I’m quite sociable, but carrying on a conversation while I’m trying to make is just a little weird.
  • Refrain from vocalizing comments such as, “Crap. Aunt Flow’s here. Guess I won’t be getting laid tonight…”, or “Whoa! That’s it. No more bean burritos for me.” Ew. T-M-I, people…

We women like to think of ourselves as exemplifying good manners since, as care takers, we’re so often teaching them to others. But our dirty little secret is that, behind closed doors, we could all use a reminder that the occasional courtesy flush doesn’t give us the right to flush courtesy down the crapper.