Raw Drip

It’s not often that I get an opportunity to travel any more. I know some people travel frequently with their children (I’m usually sitting next to them on the plane, actually) but the fact that my children CANNOT sit still without me staple-gunning their legs to their chairs, leads me to believe that the world would be a better place for everyone if I left them at home with their father.  Besides, any child-free trip is an excuse for eating, sleeping, adult conversation and other indulgent practices normally denied to working parents.  

Because I’m travelling, I haven’t had time to think of a typically underwhelming post.  But luckily for you, I’ve opted to use my fallback topic: the SkyMall catalog.  In no particular order, here are my top three choices from my favorite seat-back pocket shopping resource.

The NECKpro Traction Device is billed as an “over the door cervical traction device”.  After a life-long battle with my weight and two pregnancies in two years, my spine has taken a bit of a beating.  So, perhaps, what I really need is a good stretch to get all those verterbrae into alignment – and without the hassle and expense of so-called “professional” spinal care. 

On the other hand one has to weigh the promise of comfort with the potential risk of being found dead hanging from this contraption. While I’m sure the device comes with ample instructions for it’s safe use, I am the woman who was so confused by my strap-on baby carrier that it’s still sitting in the original box in the basement, untouched.  Assuming I am able work through my concerns with the NECKpro, I suspect it would be advisable for me to prepare some sort of a “this was not a suicide” note prior to use - just in case. 

The Bigfoot Garden Sculpture seems like an obvious choice for any gardener/yeti-lover.  No longer do you have to choose between pastimes.  Finally, gardening and Bigfoot can go hand in hand!  According to the product description, “…The Garden Yeti will have guests doing a double-take as they admire your creative gardening style!”‘   Can I just say that I would LOVE to have my own Garden Yeti?  Forget, standard ornaments such as gnomes, lawn jockeys, or reflecting balls.  Any jerk can accessorize with those.  Bigfoot’s the real deal – the ultimate conversation starter! My only problem with this product is that he’s 2-ft tall.  Hardly the terrifying, looming hulk of a mystical creature that one expects.   Then again, maybe I’m not the target Garden Yeti audience.  I don’t want my guests to admire my gardening style as much as I want to scare the bejesus out of pesky neighborhood children and door-to-door meat vendors. 

Cervical traction devices and garden yeti’s aren’t your thing?  Well then, how about a nice massage?  The OSIM iDesire Massage Chair, appears to have been lifted directly from a sci-fi film.  I think it looks like the chair they strap you into before they insert the scary needle probe into the back of your head.  Perhaps it’s the arm & leg cuffs that are freaking me out?  The product description says that the arm and leg cuffs are, “…air bags (which) wrap around your lower arms and legs to firmly squeeze to release any tightness.”  I don’t know about you, but when I see the arm leg cuffs, I see potential toddler restraint.  The nearly $5k price tag is almost justifiable if one can use it on children.  As I’ve mentioned, my children are physically incapable of sitting still, but with the gentle air pressure cuffs around their tiny wrists and ankles, it would be hard to level any meaningful child-abuse allegations at me.  Any questions of your intentions could easily be countered with, “As a parent, I’m concerned about the damaging influence of stress on my child’s ability to learn & grow.  This relaxing chair, allows me to provide him with the therapuetic benefits of a comforting massage, as I ensure he’s kept safely out of harm’s way.”  You have to admit - this argument is tough to combat.