Raw Drip

As I stood in line at the Post Office the other day, I couldn’t help but overhear the conversation between a twenty-something woman in front of me and her similarly worldly girlfriend. The first woman was complaining to her girlfriend about her otherwise perfect fiance, Patrick, a man with personality, good looks, a stable job and, unfortunately, a deep hatred of children. Ashley is desperate to have children and is certain that she and Patrick would make, “really sweet, adorable kids”.

“He loves you, right?”, said the girlfriend.

“Yeah. I’m sure of it. Otherwise, why would he have proposed?”

“Okay, so he just needs a little push. He probably wants to have kids but he’s just scared. After the wedding you should just “forget” to take the pill for a few months and see what happens. By then you’ll be married, so he’ll have to be supportive, or he’ll look like an asshole.”

Cue the screeching brakes sound effect.

Can I just say that this is, perhaps, the WORST advice I’ve ever heard. There are so many things wrong that I don’t even know where to start! Overall, getting knocked up just to prove a point seems like a bad idea to me – the stuff of daytime talk shows and bad soap opera storylines. If Patrick is like most guys, he probably is just a little shy of the idea, but the way to win him over and triumph in the commitment debate is NOT to force him into the most permanent, profound and costly commitment of his life. Besides, guess who’ll feel guilty about bringing an unwanted child into this world? Well, NOT Patrick, since he will have left you for being the scheming, lying woman men only want you to be in their fantasies.

My advice: no need to rush things. Start off easy. Get a house plant, work your way up to a gold fish and if things go really well in a year or two you can talk about getting a dog. I’ve got to think this would’ve been an easier “sell” to Patrick and would’ve made for a much better start to a marriage than a manipulative lie resulting in an unwanted pregnancy.

*****

But when I hear women, especially very young women, voicing their fantastical notions about the divine right of motherhood, I just want to give them a big slap across the face and scream, “Snap out of it!” Motherhood, heck parenting, is under the best of conditions, maddening, terrifying, and deeply disappointing, at times. The moments of joy are definitely there, but they’re often marred by the doldrums of never-ending duties and the delirium of omnipresent exhaustion. Even when you’re mature enough to take the plunge eyes wide open, you may still find that you struggle with the consequences of your decision. It can be tough to make peace with all the sacrifices and the lost sense of self, not to mention the feelings of shame and isolation everytime you repress your urge to think or do for yourself.

Of course, when you’re drunk on the elixir of baby love everyone is selling, my words simply come across as the bitter rantings of a crazy woman who’s been without sleep for far too long.

Even if you don’t believe me, there are others who will join my reality bites stance. The comedian, Paul Riser once likened the glowing praise of the joys of parenting as a sales pitch – something akin to the high-pressure pitch you’d get from an Amway person. He pointed out that the pitch had an almost “join our cult” ring to it with its relentless optimism, and its black & white certainty that choosing NOT to have children is the stuff of people who are either Godless or barren.

This parenting pitch is perfectly composed of several key arguments, most of them platitudes spun with heart-warming charm designed to seem revealing in a Hallmark card kinda way.

Children are your legacy: I have a hard time committing to glazed or chocolate frosted doughnuts (okay, okay – chocolate frosted) so the idea of committing to something with such permanence as a legacy is, frankly, intimidating as hell. I can hardly handle the guilt associated with my carbon footprint and now this?

Children are hard work, but they’re so worth it…: Puhleez. They are very hard work and, yes, there are moments of pure love & joy to be found in the relationship. But there’s no shame in NOT having kids if you are happier finding pure love & joy in other ways – ways that don’t require you surrendering your life and independence to needy little ingrates who may end up committing patricide someday over their pent up anger at the random blog post you wrote about them a decade ago. (Remember, mommy loves you, Adam! Love you, too, Tabitha!)

Children enrich your life: Really? Before kids, Dick and I would take vacations and stay at decent hotels and eat in nice restaurants. When we needed clothing, we bought it. When we wanted a new toy, we bought it. We had minimal debt and a small retirement account.

After kids, we can barely afford groceries for the bottomless pit otherwise known as Adam. Our savings is tapped and we’re swimming in debt. Seriously, if it’s not therapy, or orthodontics, or shoes, it’s groceries..

Spouting cheap talk about the joys of children is not the perfect way to pitch the notion of a family. But on the other hand, if you’re waiting for your life to be in perfect harmony before you take the plunge into family, get a grip. After all, you wouldn’t be here if someone hadn’t taken a chance and believed in the power of your love to transform them into the flawed, but loving parents they (and we) are today. My words are not the perfect parenting pitch, but they strike me as the pitch perfect way of explaining how much it means to me to have – finally, my own amazing little family.