Raw Drip

I am terrified of numbers.  Ever since my 3rd grade teacher insisted on subjecting me to repeated public humiliation as I stumbled my way through my times tables, I’ve been convinced that Math is a menace, intent on torturing us zany creative types who’d rather be out doing decoupage.  

Things only got worse between me and my arch nemesis, Math, when in 7th grade Algebra, Mr. G dumped a very heavy life lesson at my feet.  As he rolled his hands one over the other in a cyclical effect, he proclaimed, “Math is a process, much like life is a process.  If you don’t understand math, you will never understand life!” 

Dude, that’s heavy.  It was especially heavy for a 14 year old math phobic.  After that, I feared math both for its ability to torture & menace AND for its relentlessness.  It seemed as though my entire LIFE  really did rest on my ability to grasp the finer points of Algebra. 

So I find it ironic that I’ve become rather good with numbers as a grown-up.  I think it stems from years of trying to calculate percentage discounts on clearance merchandise at the mall.  Being a savvy shopper takes a lot of smarts, after all.  Whatever the source of my new found confidence with numbers, I’m proud to be able to bring you my version of advanced math for mommy’s; equations that explain some of the more common parenting conundrums. 

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Creating Behavioral Change in Children

21 days: The number of days it takes to form a new behavioral pattern (or habit) in the human brain

2000 repetitions: The number of times you’ll need to repeat the same words before the average 3 year old’s brain processes them into behavior change

2000 repetitions/21 days = ~95 times per day* that you’ll need to repeat yourself to your 3 year old before you see any change in his behavior

*Multiply 95 by the number of children you have for a more accurate count

Finding Time for Relationship Maintenance

4 weeks:  Average number of weeks per month
5 per week:  Average number of evenings that you’ll collapse in an exhausted heap by 10PM

5 evenings per week x 4 weeks per month = 20 evenings spent comatose

2 evenings per month: Average availability of reliable babysitter

    30 days in a month
-  20 evenings of unconsciousness
= 10  evenings spent mostly, sorta-kinda’ awake
+   2  evenings of freedom provided by babysitter
= 12 evening available for semi-conscious sex 
-   5 days per month – length of average menses
=  7 potential evenings for semi-conscious sex, per month

7 evenings/4 weeks in a month = ~1.75* actual sexual encounters per month

*Some of these sexual encounters may even be with your partner

Finding Free Time

10 days:  Average number of employer paid vacation days per year

5 days:  Average number of employer sick days per year

2 days:  Average number of paid personal days/floating holidays

10 days + 5 days + 2 days = 17 paid ”free” days per year

12 colds: Average number of illnesses per year for the typical child under age 5

10 days: Average number of sick days the typical adult will need to take in order to stay home with sick children

17 free days – 10 days trapped at home caring for other sick people = 7 free days

4 colds: Average number of colds per year that will render YOU completely incapacitated

4 free days: Average number of vacation days that you’ll spend at home too sick to move

7 remaining free days – 4 free days spent home sick = 3 remaining free days

3 days: Average number of vacation days per year the typical parent uses to run errands that can’t be taken care of on weekends or with children in tow

3 remaining free days – 3 days spent running errands = 0 days spent actually vacationing

Conclusions:  Look at all the equations it took for me to tell you that you spend all day repeating yourself, aren’t having much sex, and never get a break!  Isn’t math amazing?

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I’m sure a statistician (or a 12 year old) could find a million different ways to reinterpret my mommy math.  I guess that’s the thing I learned about my evil friend, Math.  He may be menacing, intimidating and torturous, but he’s also easily manipulated. 

Now, if only I could get Dick to stop explaining the metric system to me…

Well, my good friend Edna Lee has meme tagged me, so I really must spill my guts for you now.  Here goes…

The Rules

1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.

2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.

3. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5-6 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

4. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.

1. What was I doing 10 years ago?

Ah…good ole’ 1998!  In 1998 I was sans kiddos, living in a cute little 2bed/2bath town-home and pining for something new & different in my life.   Dick was doing whatever it is that he does .  I was barely working as a marketing assistant at a financial services firm.  When I say that I was “barely” working, it’s because my job consisted mostly of web surfing and 2 hour lunches with my fellow marketing assistant - a stereotypical blonde, trust-fund baby with a 10-carat rock, daddy’s AMEX and a stay-at-home beefcake/husband.  Boy, we had some fun…  Yes, life was good, but I had grown bored of my home town and craved a change of scenery. When Dick proposed that we take our first real vacation – a road trip across the eastern seaboard – I was beyond thrilled.  It was during that trip that Dick and I visited NYC for the first time and fell in love with the city.  Strolling hand in hand through the diverse and historic neighborhoods of Manhattan, we knew we wanted to live there.  A mere 6 months later without even really trying, Dick was recruited by a small software company on Wall Street and the rest, as they say, is history.

2. What are 5 things on my to-do list for today (not in any particular order):

I’ve ordered mine because they’re so routine: 

1. Ask Adam to use his listening ears, please
2. Remind Adam that he agreed to use his listening ears
3. Warn Adam that he’s about to lose privileges because he’s not using his listening ears
4. Send Adam to time out for not using his listening ears
5. Repeat steps 1 through 5 until Adam’s 8:30 bedtime

3. Snacks I enjoy

For anyone who’s read Raw Drip regularly, you know that I enjoy snacks.  Clearly, I wouldn’t be in Weight Watchers right now if I were someone who didn’t enjoy food.  So I think the more interesting topic is “Snacks I Don’t Enjoy”:

• Peas
• Sausage
• Spicy things
• Sour things
• Fake fruity things
• Most stews (see peas)

4. Things I would do if I were a billionaire:

• Watch my back more closely.
• Give away all but several million dollars to charity.
• Buy Dick a fabulous loft in TriBeCa for our future retirement and a fabulous sports car for our future date nights.  
• Make sure that no one I love EVER has worry about getting access to good medical care or basic necessities.  Why our government can’t sort out the logistics of fairly providing basic care for its citizenry is beyond me…
• Take my family on a trip around the world.
• Hire Candace Olsen from that HGTV show “Devine Design” to decorate every room in my home.

5. Three of my bad habits:

1. Sometimes, on occasion, I have some minor difficulty arriving at the crux of my point and I can seem a bit meandering in my thoughts.  See what I mean?
2. I’m lazy
3. Lots of ideas/not much action

6. 5 places I have lived:

1. Tustin, CA
2. Aliso Viejo, CA
3. Irvine, CA
4. New York City, NY
5. Sarasota, FL

7. 5 jobs I have had:

1. Babysitter - When I was 13, I had a really good thing going with the next door neighbors until I accidently dropped the baby in front of them.  Literally, I was attempting to pick up the baby after my arm had fallen asleep and I dropped the kid right on the floor at their feet.  He was fine, but that was the end of that gold mine.
2. Cashier – Initially, I worked at a children’s consignment shop that my mom co-owned, but soon I busted out into the lucrative pharmaceutical industry – by becoming a cashier at the local drug store.
3. Receptionist - The high stress world of cashiering grew tiresome so I pursued a job as a receptionist.  I landed one at a small insurance brokerage owned by a philandering middle-aged guy who thought driving a white Corvette and calling everyone in the office “babe” was the height of originality.  Later I learned that “Steve” hired me because I was “nice on the eyes”.  I quit when I learned that he had bedded several of the better paid ladies in the office.  Yuck! 
4. Expediter – This was the “official title” for my first post-high school night job in a micro-chip manufacturing plant.  For the record, the work of an expediter largely involves making photocopies and running them downstairs to the plant’s line managers.  Oh, and not falling asleep at one’s desk which is, let’s face it, not very expeditious.
5. Sr. Customer Service Officer - Okay, okay, so I have a service personality.  That much is obvious by my list.  Go ahead and insert self-help book title here…

8. 2 People I want to know more about (originally, the rules were to list 5 people, but if I knew 5 people that would mean I have a social life – which I don’t. Instead, I’m a working parent.):

1. Edna Lee at ReguritatedAlphaBits.com is a dear friend, a confidante, and my personal champion.  Don’t let Edna’s humorous prose fool you.  Behind all the self-depricating humor is a woman who is a sensitive, caring & passionately devoted servant of her students and I am proud to list myself as one of them, since I learn from her all the time.  Despite knowing her as well as I do, there are never quite enough hours in the day to stay in touch.  Thankfully, her highly readable blog gives me a little peek into her world and helps keep one of my most treasured relationships alive.  So, thanks for tagging me, Ed.  And, yes, I enabled comments on Raw Drip about 3 weeks ago so now all you loyal drips can share your perspectives with me.  Just click on the teeny-tiny, itty-bitty little “Comments” link at the bottom of each post if you’re so inclined.
2. Tom Kuhlmann, host of The Rapid eLearning Blog is a witty writer and training professional who offers up great, easy to understand tips, tricks & ideas that help me look much smarter than I actually am.  On behalf of over-worked Trainers & Instructional Designers everywhere – Thanks, Tom!  We think you’re brilliant!  If that darn economic recession doesn’t completely wipe out my department’s travel budget, I hope to see you at next year’s “eLearning Guild” gathering.   

Of course, there are many, many more of you out there that I admire and want to know more about. 

Dick- I have no idea what you do for a living, but just keep bringing home the bacon, baby!  Mama needs a new pair of Choos (Jimmy, that is).

Svetlana - Like the someecards.com greeting said, “Your dating life is more important to me than my marriage.”  Let’s never drift so far apart again, okay?  Life is so boring without your adventures to keep me entertained.

W – You’re on the other side of the world – too far away for us to chat over the phone.  But I got your package in the mail the other day and it brought a tremendous smile to my face and a lift to my heart.  Thanks for being the kind, thoughtful and generous person that you are.  I hope we have many, many years of friendship ahead so I can continue to learn more about why you’re so darn wonderful!

And finally, loyal Drips, I want to get to know YOU!  What possesses you to throw away precious minutes of your life reading my blog?  Seriously, don’t you have some bees to save or some cancer to cure?

I’m not sure how it happened, but despite being forced to wear her brother’s hand-me-down jeans & t-shirts and playing with trucks all day, Dick and I have somehow managed to make a very girly girl.  Tabitha has developed an intense affection for baby dolls, dresses, shoes & accessories.  When given the choice of a new toy, candy or a new dress, Tabitha will choose the dress without hesitation.  At barely 2 1/2 Tabitha can identify pictures of make-up in magazines, calls my purse a “handbag”, and frequently refuses to wear her sneakers when her favorite pair of flower-covered sandals go with her outfit so much better. 

How did this happen?  I mean, I’m a pretty girly-girl – I love to dress, adore make-up, am acquiring a respectable handbag collection and own too many shoes to count – but I’ve hardly thrust my views upon her.  I never dressed her in frilly things as a baby.  I’ve never drifted into JonBenet Ramsey territory, either.  I suspect it’s a combo of genetics & in utero influences – like my girlfriend calling her “Sephora” before we’d picked out a name for her. 

Regardless of the cause I’m going to have to make peace with my new competition for attention and resources.  Not only can the wink of her sparkling, golden-green eyes melt her father (and me, too, occasionally) but her soft-spoken, gentle nature makes you want to spoil her.  It’s an almost hypnotic effect – “must abandon savings goals and shop for cute shoes for little girl.”  With such a powerful combination of traits going for her, I’m sure she’ll learn quickly how vulnerable we are to their influence and she’ll figure out how to employ her feminine wiles to her advantage.  YIKES! 

In the meantime, I’m trying to set a good example by abandoning some of my materialistic leanings.  I’ve stopped adding to my handbag collection – for now.  As for jewelry, unless we hit the lotto soon, I’m certainly NOT acquiring any more of that.  Hopefully I can demonstrate the benefits of fiscal restraint and sensibility to help tether her budding interest in girlish consumerism.  Admittedly, this is much less fun than taking her on a shopping spree for clothes, shoes & handbags.