Raw Drip

Rather than focus on evolving Raw Drip’s content into more substantive journalism (because the pink balloon sword entry was so profound, right?), I decided to do what so many of us do when we’re feeling a little down on ourselves. I took the easy way out and gave it a makeover!

I think we’re all suckers for the superficial. How else do you explain the rise of Paris Hilton? From design shows that makeover a room, to style shows that take the average Joe or Jane and make them over into a more stylish version of themselves, to Cinderella’s transition from dowdy housekeeper to fairy-tale prince-bait, there’s just something about the makeover that fascinates us.

As a child I had one of those Barbie busts given to me for Christmas one year – the kind where you can put makeup on her on and style her hair. I loved that toy. After years of making over Barbie, I finally started acquiring beauty supplies for myself. At first, it was Avon’s bubble gum flavored lip gloss, then I moved onto Sun In blonde streaks (streaks that were usually brassy red in my mousy brown hair) and finally to Max Factor’s 2000 calorie mascara.

But one gets bored with constantly using their talents on themselves. I felt I needed to give something back to society. So I decided to save the world from one more tired looking mom and give my mom a makeover.

Like many moms, my poor mom was incredibly overworked and, thus, tragically unhip. As a 16-year old know-it-all glamour puss, I could see her natural beauty hiding under the pepto bismol pink lipstick and hastily applied black mascara. All it needed to shine through were some minor enhancements like:

There. 30 minutes, 2 q-tips, 4 make up brushes and a hand mirror later – I was able to deliver 80’s sophisti-slut style to the average suburban housewife. Fabulous!

But all that make-up posed a problem. Now that mom’s face looked fantastic, her hair was all wrong. After several minutes spent begging her to let me do her hair until she finally relented, I spent another 30 minutes carefully teasing, ratting & Aqua-netting her hair until she looked like Lt. Dee Dee McCall, Fred Durst’s sidekick on Hunter.

But when I stood back and admired my handiwork, something was still wrong. It was the wardrobe. It just wasn’t right for her anymore. Mom always looked so boring in her conservative, every day clothes – “classics” she called them. Her wardrobe consisted mostly of navy slacks, diaphanous button down blouses with little bows at the collar, cardigans, pearl earrings, blah, blah, and blah.

So creative me took one of her white (oversized) maternity blouses and added some shoulder pads, had her squeeze into a pair of my black leggings, and accessorized her with a chunky black belt and Janet Jackson sized hoop earrings. I added a pair of coral patent pumps from my closet and a denim hobo bag and my mom looked like a pretty hot chick – or a street walker. I guess it depended on your interpretation of the look.

In retrospect, mom was an incredibly good sport. Rather than bemoan my heavy-handed makeup application and questionable taste, she would graciously say things like, “Interesting look you’ve created for me. I’ll have to let you do my hair and makeup when we go out next time.” Looking back, I’m sure that was her polite way of metaphorically putting my makeover into her for good drawer since my family never “went” anywhere.

Thanks to mom’s good nature and genuine interest in fostering my creativity, my fascination with makeovers continues until this day. While I may not have enough free time or money to tart up my kitchen with a new coat of paint or get my overweight fanny to the gym, I can sex up my blog pretty easily.

So, welcome to Raw Drip version 2. All of the same pithy mom-mentary you’re accustomed to, only now in a cuter outfit. I hope you like the makeover. Just one thing – does this color make my ass look bigger?

Dick believes that most of our holidays are flimsy inventions of clever ad men in need of an excuse to unload more flowers, candy, cards and kitsch. But I say, who cares? I don’t mind being manipulated into shopping just because Mr. Hallmark needs to sell more greeting cards. I especially don’t mind when the made up holiday in question, Mothers’ Day, is all about celebrating ME.

I think Mothers’ Day has the potential to become one of my favorite holidays. But with Dick’s conspiratorial views poisoning many past Mothers’ Days, the only way I can reclaim my right to be worshipped in a manner to which I’d like to become accustomed, is to take matters into my own hands. This year, instead of waiting around for the Mothers’ Day card that will never show up, or the obviously obligatory gift that may or may not materialize, I’ve decided to spoil, lavish & pamper myself with something wonderful.

To that end, I spent about 30 minutes at my desk this morning surfing my Kaboodle wishlist for some gift inspiration. What does ME want? I think I’ve narrowed down the list. Since I don’t want to be selfish (well, okay – maybe just for the one day…) I thought I’d share my wish list with you just in case it offered you some gifting inspiration for yourself, for your mom, or for ME. I’ve divided the list into 3 price categories for your shopping ease – “Cheap Bastard”, “Now We’re Talkin’!”, and “Working a 2nd job to pay for it”.

Cheap Bastard

Bite Me’s Organic Whole Wheat Flower Power Cookies
Aside from my grandmother’s sugar cookies, these may be the best cookies I’ve ever had. I ADORE THEM! And that’s saying a lot of for a cookie that doesn’t list chocolate as an ingredient. Don’t let the Whole Wheat in the description fool you. These are not hearty cookies. They’re actually quite delicate and buttery – closer to short bread than a traditional sugar cookie. Here’s a tip: If you’re thinking of buying some, skip the snail mail and go straight to your local Whole Foods market. They sell these cookies by the pound or individually. Either way, you’re giving yourself or your mom something decadent that’s made with high-quality, wholesome ingredients – like scads of butter and sugar. Yummy!

Domino Magazine

I love that this magazine is full of so many fresh decorating ideas. A few months ago, they featured a couple from India who decorated their entire house with little Persian prayer rugs. While it was way too boho for me, I do admire their creativity. It’s also a great source for learning more about buying art for your home, choosing paint colors, and accessorizing on the chic. Every time I flip through its pages, I feel inspired.

Now We’re Talkin’!

Frank Gehry Equus Ring from Tiffany & Co.

I think it goes without saying that any gift from Tiffany’s couldn’t be a miss. Even if, God forbid, I gave my mom something that she didn’t like, I’m sure she’d at least have the decency to keep it out of the dreaded “for good” drawer.

What I love about this ring is that it’s simple, interesting, and elegant. You can dress it up or dress it down. Admit it; you gotta love jewelry that looks lovely AND offers styling flexibility, as well.

Zeno Acne Clearing Device

Believe it or not, I would NOT be offended if someone gave me this gift. Why, you ask? It’s because I’m a 36 year old woman who still, occasionally gets a big, nasty, red zit on my chin that makes me feel like an awkward 14-year old all over again. Been there, done that – no thanks!

I discovered the Zeno device when I went to my aesthetician for a facial about 4 years BC (Before Children) and she used it on a zit that – I swear – had wrapped itself around a blood vessel in my chin and was threatening the oxygen supply to my brain. Anyway, after a painless application of the Zeno, not only did I see the swelling go down within an hour or two – the zit actually disappeared by the next day. It may be the single most miraculous beauty device I’ve ever encountered.

Working a 2nd Job to Pay for It

Apple MacBook Pro

I am an iPhone owner and I have to admit, I love it. I’ve already decided which child I would sell on the black market to pay for a replacement iPhone in the unfortunate event of its loss or destruction. I think the reason I love it so much is because it just works and it does everything so well, so effortlessly. That brings me to my current PC – which crashes all the time. Now I’m thinking, if I love that darn iPhone so much, why shouldn’t my next laptop be something that works just as well?

So, whether you’re buying for yourself off the Cheap Bastard list, or playing it safe and staying middle of the road, I think it’s time we all stopped waiting for our partners and children to worship us and get out there and get ourselves a little something special. Whether the holiday is religious, patriotic, or completely made up, for all that we women do, we should seize every opportunity to slow down and take in a little ME time.

Snot, boogies, nose nuggets, “a fly in the bush”, “a bat in the bat cave”, “a boog hanging”,  nasal secretions, or a rhinolith (the medical term) – whatever you want to call ‘em, boogers are a source of endless fascination for Adam.  Dick and I have spent countless hours reminding him to get his finger out of his nose (and subsequently his mouth) all to no avail.  Like any bad habit, once the pattern is formed in the brain, it’s hard to break.   We’ve told Adam that picking his nose and eating boogers will make him sick.  We’ve also taken the low-key approach of just removing his finger from his nostril and handing him a tissue.  So far nothing we’ve tried has deterred him.   

Maybe it’s just the allure of the hunt, but in my experience males are more prone to this disgusting behavior than females.  Case in point: As I was driving the other day, I glanced into my rearview mirror at the guy in the SUV behind me.  A slick business man in a suit & power tie, initially he drew my attention for his scary tailgating but then I noticed that he was also talking on his cell phone – and, to my horror, mining for gold like nobody’s business.  This guy was REALLY diggin’ deep.  At least then I knew why he was such a lousy driver…you can’t dig, drive AND talk.   

In this age of cameras monitoring our every move, why would anyone resort to doing this kind of thing in public?  At least have the decency to be ashamed of yourself and dig around at home, in private.
 
Take for instance, the guy who was caught picking his nose on a San Francisco street corner by the Google Maps team.  I don’t’ care how bored you are waiting for that bus – you just don’t do that!  Get your finger out of your nose!

And then there’s our president, George W., caught on camera picking his nose during a baseball game. 

I mean – come on.  You’re the President of the United States of America for God’s sake – Leader of the Free World – you travel with a security posse rivaling J-Lo’s – you just don’t blend in with the crowd anymore.  At least all my suspicions are confirmed - only a complete idiot is so oblivious to his surroundings that he’d allow himself to be memorialized on video picking his nose. 

Did I not get the memo? Is there some sort of requirement that you must be willing to eat your own boogers in public in order to be a world leader?  If you surf around YouTube you can find videos of other world leaders picking their noses, too.  Britain’s Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, is up there.  Italy’s Prime Minister, Berlusconi is also caught in the act.  Heck, Berlusconi’s video even shows him trying to destroy the evidence… 

I’m starting to lose hope. From the look of Adam in the back seat of the minivan this morning, undertaking a very extensive gold mining operation, it would seem that Dick and I have our work cut out for us.  I don’t see him outgrowing his fascination with his nasal passages and their contents any time soon.  So if we really want to stop this nasty, nasty little habit we’re going to have to come up with something better than a health & safety lecture or running interference with his brain’s auto pilot. 

That leads me to you guys.  What are your ideas, loyal drips? When gross is mostly amusing to men and boys and fellow males (some even World Leaders no less) simply reinforce the bad behavior, how do you teach your son to get his freakin’ finger out of his nose?