Perhaps it’s the lack of travel opportunities in my life recently, but today I found myself longing for the kind of entertainment one can only enjoy flipping through the pages of the Skymall catalog. Instead, I had to entertain myself with surfing the Skymall website. Thankfully, their website entertained nearly as well as their catalog and without the cost of airfare. As a bonus, I’ve discovered a few unique gift ideas for everyone on my shopping list.

For the uptight person, try the…

Memory Foam Massage Mat

Tired of feeling tense and large when you can feel relaxed and petite…?

I can understand the merchant’s desire to get the entire product framed in the shot but this photo’s been taken from such a distance (and with such a distractingly vast sea of brown carpeting as a backdrop) that I almost overlooked the teeny tiny model on the teeny, tiny blue mat thingy they’re selling for $129.99.

Prism Glasses

Finally, no more need to actually move your head while watching TV or reading in bed. After all, with every move you make you run the risk of accidently exercising a muscle! Instead, play it safe and don these stylish prism glasses. Designed by those maverick costumers that brought you the film “The Matrix”, these high-tech glasses fit comfortably over your prescription eyewear. The built-in prism turns any image to a 90 degree angle right before your eyes, eliminating the need for head or body movement. With your prism glasses in place you can rest assured that your fanny will stay firmly planted in your mattress or recliner seat cushion - just as Mother Nature intended.

For the gardener, try the…

Poison Oak Tree Sculpture

The Skymall folks describe this product as “The ancient spirit of ‘Poison Oak’ springs to life in a pliable composite that wraps around your tree, adding mystical character and spirit to your very own forest.”

Admittedly, I don’t know much about mystical character or spirit. But I do know that this thing scares the crap out of me.

For all those homebodies out there, try…

The Slanket

Perhaps this gentlemen was a full sized Slank at one point, before he shrunk and became a “slank-et”?

Anyway, what’s he doing with that digital camera in his hand? Trust me dude - you’ve already made one big mistake getting photographed for a catalog in that get-up, don’t make it worse by taking a few photos for your MySpace page.

I don’t know. To me, this just looks like the result of rinsing one of Santa’s elves in hot water…

For the serial killer down the block, try…

Kevlar Gloves

First of all, aside from that creepy tree sculpture (see above), this may be the most menacing product photo I’ve ever seen.

Secondly, while I certainly don’t see anyone buying these for the guy they know who enjoys handling sheet metal, I could definitely see someone giving them to the quiet, awkward, guy in his late 30’s who lives down the street with his mom and has an eery fondness for taxidermy.

And, finally, for all those sexually frustrated couples out there - a little fantasy role playing help…

Wonder Woman Cuff Bracelet

Wife: “Okay, stud, I’ll put on my Wonder Woman Cuff Bracelet and get out my lasso of truth if you promise to put on your pinch front fedora and take out your great, big, long…

Official Indiana Jones Bullwhip

Indy: “Ooo, baby. Show me how you deflect bullets with your accessories one more time…”

*****

Much to my surprise, Skymall is definitely the place to shop when you need to equip yourself for some naughty super hero archeaology adventures.