Raw Drip

I was driving to lunch the other day when a guy in an 80’s era Pontiac Firebird cut me off in spectacular fashion. The brakes of my poor, neglected minivan nearly ground down to the metal as I tried desperately to keep from smacking into him after his abrupt decision to be in front of me – at all costs. As I blasted my horn and swerved around him, I couldn’t help but notice the size of his rear spoiler. It was hard not to notice. It was enormous – glossy & bright red, too. Clearly it was an after-market install intended to enhance the appeal of the rest of the vehicle which had long ago faded into a sun-bleached shade of coral. My guess is that the guy had watched The Fast & Furious one too many times and was trying desperately to turn his POS into the horny lady attractor/muscle car it may have been in its glory days. While I must admire this guy’s optimistic view that an otherwise crappy car, when properly accessorized, could make him irresistible to women, I also found all confirmation of my belief that the quality of a man can be determined by the size of his rear spoiler. Generally, the bigger they are, the more of an a**hole.

I hate to rush to judgment (however, it appears I’m awfully good at it…), but oversized spoilers are clearly a case of over-compensation at best, and delusion at worst. Are these guys penises so small that they need a rear spoiler the size of a F16 wing? If it’s not over-compensation, what else explains the disproportionate number of young male drivers out there sporting obnoxious rear spoilers and equally obnoxious driving habits? I’m sure if you do the legwork and crunch the numbers, most all of the women they’ve slept with (assuming they’ve gotten that lucky) will say they weren’t impressed.

Oh gawd. It just occurred to me that I sound like someones mom. Am I getting too old, already? Are the pants too baggy & the hair too long? Certainly, the hot rods are too dangerous and flashy to be anything but an accident waiting to happen. If anything, my 30’s seem to be the beginning of an arc towards a strictly no B.S. destination – one that my grandmother has safely occupied for several years, much to my amusement. I don’t have any interest in being killed or maimed by some punk who wants to look cool in his faded Firebird. I’ve got laundry to fold, homework to forget, and perfunctory meals to prepare. I don’t have time to fluff you’re already over-inflated ego, Mr. Spoiler Guy.

Whether my spoiler theory points to the fact that I’m headed towards Geezer-ville or is statistically accurate, I can’t say. I can tell you that I’m going to go out of my way to avoid the next car I see with a gigantic rear spoiler, just to be on the safe side. We all have our prejudices and, apparently, this one’s mine.

I can’t believe Black Friday is just around the corner.  Somehow, it’s that time of year again and we’re all left scratching our heads wondering how something as big as the holiday season snuck up on us.  Looking through the small stash of gifts I’ve accumuluated for the kids thus far, I can see I have a lot to do before now and December 25th.  In fact, I’m so freaked out about getting my shopping done that I’m even going to be part of the throngs of midnight shoppers at my local outlet mall on Thanksgiving night.  Eat some turkey, eat some pie, drink some vino – then time to buy! 

Despite the craziness, I do, actually enjoy this time of year.  I LOVE to gift.  The only problem is that my little wallet vampires, who have their year-round fun draining me of my Ben Franklins, demand that I scale back.  Buying new shoes for them every 8 weeks has really limited by disposable income.  My efforts to scale back mean that a lot of the people on the periphery of my life who normally would’ve received a small gift from me, are getting a lovely card and, maybe, some cookies this year, if I’m feeling generous.

Of course, it’s not just my pocketbook that’s feeling empty. My interest level in shopping is at about zero.  While I long for the days when I found solace in some retail therapy, I’ve found that I can’t live with all the guilt.  The scary news reports of tough economic times really do have me too frightened to spend.  And from talking to others, I know I’m not alone.  My prediction: We’re going to see a lot more last minute shoppers this year, hanging on for bottom of the barrel, last-minute pricing. 

So if you’re like me, you’re probably keen on getting this bad boy over with quickly – either very, very early before you run out of cash and will power or very, very late in the hopes of saving some dough.  Regardless of which kind of shopper you plan to be this year, here are some cool holiday shopping tips I’ve stumbled upon that may prove helpful.

This is kinda cool – Amazon.com has a promotion going on called Amazon Customers Vote.  Beginning this Thursday, 11/27 through midnight on December 4th we, the customer, can vote for which items we want to see discounted!  Here’s the bonus: even if the item you voted for isn’t the winner, it still gets discounted (although the discount for the winning item is described as “ridiculous”).  Come on – who doesn’t love getting deep holiday discounts as you simultaneously get deep into a bowl of Ben & Jerry’s in your jammies?  Who ever invented online shopping is a genius!

This is cool: Talking to another mommy at work a few days ago, she let me in on her holiday shopping secret.  She finishes up her shopping in mid-September by buying gifts for her kids all year long.  But here’s the trick: whenever she gets a party invite for her kids from a school friend, she buys a gift for the birthday kid and the same toy for her own kids.  She figures that kids always want to play with each others toys anyway, and it’s a guaranteed hit since her kid (unknowingly) picked it out.  I love how sneaky she is…

This is way cool:   If you’re like me, buying for the kids is the easy part.  But getting the right gift for your husband – now that’s tricky and potentially expensive.  No worries!  Check out Esquire Magazine’s Recession Gift Guide: 24 Great Presents for Under $20.  Granted, most of these gifts are strictly for men or are gifts for men disguised as gifts for women, but the ideas are 90% great and that’s better than most magazine gift guides can muster.

This is the coolest:  Esquire is proving to be every bit as helpful to women as it is to men.  They’ve also assembled a fantastic list of The 22 Worst Gifts on Earth. Period.  Just think – you don’t have to have the painful conversation with your husband about what a crappy gift giver he is.  Instead you can just send him a link to this list with an email that says, ”Gosh, honey.  Can you believe people give these kinds of horrible things to each other?  I’m so glad you would never think of giving me any of these!” That should drive home the point without painting you as the bad guy.   Of course, men often don’t get subtlety, so you may have to resort to standing naked next to his computer monitor as you point at each item and say, “If you even think about buying this for me, I’m never having sex with you again.”  That’ll do the trick.

I have a confession to make.  Even knowing that I wouldn’t want anything on the Worst Gifts list, I’m still tempted to spring for a box of the Wacky Rubber Chicken condoms, just for the WTF? reaction.  The only thing stopping me is the knowledge that laughing and pointing at Dick’s wacky rubber chicken isn’t going to be a gift that keeps on giving.

This may come as no surprise to you, but my children seem to display a complete lack of regard for other people’s belongings. For instance, when it comes to my furniture, nothing is sacred to my little heathens. There is no rug too plush not to be barfed upon, nor chair upholstery too luxurious that it can’t be “enhanced” with the swipe of a ketchup-coated hand. This means if I ever hope to realize a future where my home is furnished in the casually chic yet inviting manner I dream of – a future with an unfussy, eclectic mix of choice designer, catalog, and quality vintage items – I’m going to have to ride out the storm known as “early childhood” with cheap furniture of dubious quality that can be readily disposed of when it’s become too worn or disgusting to rehabilitate.

It goes without saying that if you’re on a tight budget (as we all are these days) Craigslist is your friend. And, as I’ve learned through countless hours surfing the site for furniture bargains, not only is Craigslist a great source for bargain housewares it’s also a great source for lessons in the fine art of communication. I don’t want to get all “Glengarry Glen Ross” here, but if you’re going to sell merchandise to bargain hunters, you need to frame your pitch properly. Some things to keep in mind:

Lesson #1: Always Know Your Audience

Lush, chocolate leather sofa from famed designers Mitchell Gold & Bob Williams, retails for $9,000 from their South Beach brick & mortar or you can find one used on 1st dibs.com – where God help you if you can you compete with all the designers!!! Avoid the stress and expense – embrace ease, contemporary sophistication, impeccable taste and streamlined style at a vastly discounted price. This lovely furnishing can be yours for $6,000, or best offer.

While basically well-written, you know what this ad says to me? Pretentious, snob.

All the name-dropping isn’t going to have much meaning to your typical Craigslist shopper. The target market for high-end furniture is extremely limited. In my experience as both a buyer and a seller, Craigslist shoppers aren’t looking to shell out $6k on used designer furniture. $500 on used designer furniture and you’ve got their attention – but $6k is like a down payment on a new Hyundai subcompact.

Here’s my advice for the custom-made leather sofa people: If you spent that much having high-end designer furniture made, then shell out a couple of bucks in commission to have a reputable consignor do all the footwork for you. Besides, that will save you the insult of having a loser like me turn up on your doorstep offering you $250 for your “couch” and the unseemly hassle of trying to negotiate up to your $6k price-point, which is um – unlikely.

Lesson #2: Provide a good description

Arm Chair for Sale

Arm chair for sale. A good place to sit down. You could read a book or watch TV while sitting in it. Call me if you want to come by and take a look…

When I read this ad, Mister Arm-chair-for-sale-guy, I’m left feeling as though you, yourself only recently discovered the multi-purpose nature of chairs. The fact that arm chairs are good for sitting, and, while one is seated, could be used for activities revolving around sitting, suggests to me that you, my friend, are the master of the obvious. And, while I appreciate the earnest offer to call you if I want to take a look, the lack of detail in your ad hardly entices me to run to my phone.

My suggestion: Give us some adjectives, details about the chair such as, what color is the chair? How is it upholstered? What are its measurements? Who is the maker/manufacturer of the chair? What are the cushions filled with? What is its condition? How much are you selling the chair for?

Unfortunately for you arm chair guy, there are a lot of chairs in this world – many of them good for sitting. You’re going to have to give us a little more information if you actually want to sell us on your chair over the competition.

Lesson #3: Know when your shit is ugly and you’ve paid too much for it

It happens to everyone. You get all excited about the idea of an object with a strong style statement setting the mood for a room. Even though the object has a very specific “look” (something Tim Gunn might describe as “a lotta look”), its $1200 price tag only adds to the allure. On impulse, you buy it and then realize over time that it doesn’t actually “go” with anything else you own. After years of trying to make it work in your space, you’re forced to admit that buying it was a costly mistake.

So, ugly lamp people – when you sit down to write that Craigslist ad, go ahead and mention that it’s a high-quality item. You can even tell us the amount you paid for it, originally. But you need to make peace with the fact that NO ONE in their right mind is going to pay $600 for your horribly butt-ugly lamp. The best you can hope for is to get rid of it and move on with your life.

Lesson #4: Always Proofread Your Work

Dessignor Armour hrd wd costed $1200 – make me a offer!

Hvy hrd wood armour 4 sale. Use as tv cbnt or storeage/multi-ppse. Sweet style & no scratchez 2 wd. Paid $1200 for its 2yrs ago, but will sacrflice for best offer u can make.

Seriously, this ad is a disaster. It’s like someone asked their 12 year old daughter with a pronounced hand tremor, to text in the ad posting via her cell phone. With it’s combination of rampant abbreviations and poor grammar, it reads like the kind of half-hearted note scrawled in the back of my junior high yearbook by my long-forgotten lab partner in Biology. All this ad says to me as a consumer is that my “best offer” should be L-O-W, low because if this person can’t even be bothered to write one coherent sentence to describe their merchandise, odds are good that they’re too desperate to score their next dime bag to effectively negotiate price.