Raw Drip

Absent-minded, apathetic, distracted, diverted, heedless, oblivious, preoccupied, removed, scatterbrained, and unconscious.  These are just a few of the synonyms I find for “unobservant”.  Sadly, many of these synonyms describe my husband who is, quite possibly, the world’s most unobservant man. 

If I walked into a room stark naked wearing a rainbow clown ‘fro he MIGHT notice something different about me; probably not.  More than likely he’d be too distracted by my nakedness to consider the ‘fro.  Then again, after 20 years together, maybe I give myself (and my nakedness) too much credit.

I guess I just don’t get Dick’s unobservant behavior.  It seems obvious to me that having the ability to observe and react to changes in one’s environment should speak to a man’s primal need to be the protector of his family.  Shouldn’t his instincts guide him to be a keen observer of his surroundings?  Wouldn’t this ability help him to understand the scope of potential dangers and formulate preventative measures?  And yet Dick, like so many other men I know, seems to completely lack peripheral vision when it comes to his household.  He moves through life with a singular focus on food, sex, sleep and some other stuff that occasionally drifts into his field of vision.  Things like cleanliness and order go unnoticed and unacknowledged.  Could this ignorance be a side-effect of our modern world?  Could all the controls and conveniences of our surroundings - air conditioning, heating, appliances, and security devices - have stripped the modern man of sensitivity to his environment?

Every day life provides Dick with abundant opportunities to demonstrate his keen observation skills but he stubbornly adheres to his tradition of not noticing.  For me, a pile of molding, filthy dishes in the sink triggers the thought, “Gee. That looks gross.  I think I should wash those before spontaneous generation occurs.” The thought then triggers my brain to perform the required steps to mitigate the disgusting, sci-fi movie consequences of inaction.  Not so with Dick. Molding dishes in the sink may register in his brain as disgusting, but they don’t fire the synapses that generate movement out of his chair and over to the sink.

When I observe an over-flowing trash receptacle in the kitchen, I think to myself, “Yuck. That’s going to smell up the kitchen if I don’t get it outside…” followed promptly by action.  When I point out to Dick that the trash can is over-flowing and needs to be emptied, my observation is often met with surprise, ”Is it, really?  I’ll take care of it in about 20 minutes…”

Now, before you start thinking that he’s just lazy (and there’s certainly an element of that), I’d like to point out that the man really CANNOT find anything.  Most days I’m just pleased when he’s able to locate me and the children in the adjoining rooms of our home.  Statements like, “We must be out of ______ “, or “I can’t find ______, anywhere” are a daily occurrence in our household.  And God forbid he need to look for things in refrigerators, boxes, or cabinets! These storage mechanisms leave him completely befuddled.  After years of Dick telling me with certainty that an item we had a mere 24 hours ago no longer exists, I’ve had to ‘fess up to all those little storage secrets we women try to conceal from men.  Like the fact that most cabinets are 3 dimensional and it’s that tricky 3^rd dimension, depth, that allows for items to be stacked behind one another.   Rather than admit to his ignorance, Dick accuses me of trying to hide things from him.

I’m no psychologist, but I do know that turning Dick into an observant man is probably a lost cause by now.  At 36, he’s mastered the art of not noticing and I doubt a rainbow ‘fro, a swift kick, or a vigorous mental workout of “Where’s Waldo?” is going to retrieve him from his blissfully ignorant state. 

I’ve decided to shift my efforts to Adam.  I don’t care if it kills me, that boy is going to now how to find things by himself.  So as soon as he starts NOT noticing every little change in his environment (I’m guessing age 5, maybe?) I’ll start hiding his stuff from him.  My conspiracy to confuse will sharpen his mental faculties and keep him on his toes.  It’ll be good for him.  One day, he may even thank me for it - assuming he notices.

Thank goodness I’m out of the baby phase these days now that Adam and Tabitha are walking, talking, and generally acting like little people (When did they become people, again?).  While I miss the baby days, looking at one of the newest crop of baby care devices reminds me how quickly my kids are growing.  Back in the old days (3 1/2 years ago), if you had to pee while out with your baby you needed to hold the baby on your lap and do the one-hand, quick-wipe while balancing him precariously on bent knee. 

But no more!  The Babykeeper Basic is described as an “infant carrier seat that hangs from the stall wall in most public restrooms”.  Now your baby can just hang out while you do your business.  No more balancing acts and no more jockeying for the single handicap stall that has an infant seat built into the wall.

I find this invention to be simultaneously amusing, bizarre, and brilliant, but I don’t get the “Basic” part of the product description.  What would an ”Advanced” version do?  Maybe the basic model gives you the comfort of knowing your baby isn’t going to have to balance on your lap or sit on a filthy restroom floor, but it’s only safe for midget babies? Hm.  I bet if your baby weighs more than 5 pounds, you’ve got to pay to upgrade to the advanced version.  Sneaky inventors!

But an advanced version of this product might be a worthwhile investment.  I mean, wouldn’t it be cool if it could hold a 40-pound kid in place so a parent could urinate in peace - without advice or enthusiastic offers of assistance from ”helpful” children in the midst of potty-training?  Just think of all the potential uses.  If it could safely hold 38-pound Tabitha, I might decide to leave her hanging all the time (the back of the master bedroom closet door, for instance) - just for a breather from all the chattering.  It’s an awfully tempting proposition.  The Babykeeper could be the best invention ever! 

Intrigued by the possibilities, I decided to read the product FAQs to get a little more information on what features comprise the “basic” and ”advanced” models. 

But I encounter disappointment; there is no “advanced” model.  The company claims that the basic model is capable of holding a toddler.  I’m sure it holds an average-sized kid, but Dick and I only make gigantic children.  What about parents of freakishly large kids?  What are we supposed to do?

While the FAQs didn’t really help me figure out what makes the Babykeeper so basic, I did learn that there are no parents willing to face the shame and ridicule of others by asking the all important, most frequently un-asked question, “How likely am I to leave the restroom with my purse, but without my baby?” 

Because, let’s face it - you know some sleep-deprived mommy out there has done this already…

Psst!  Wanna know a secret?  Well, here it is - your girlfriend/wife/partner just wants to know “The Plan”.  

What is The Plan you ask?  The Plan consists of all the day to day to-do’s, roles, and responsibilities that you and your partner, as a couple, need to take to prep for anything you do - from planning the most mundane task of who’ll pick up the dry cleaning, to tackling the more complex tasks such as planning a cross-country move. 

From listening to and talking with other women, I’ve found that the need for both partners in a relationship to be on board with The Plan increases dramatically once you become parents since your lives revolve around planning for all the little things that you used take for granted - like eating or going to the bathroom. 

Executing The Plan is usually the easiest part.  But, formulating The Plan - now that’s painful.  As a mother of two (four if you count the dog and Dick), I spend most of my time planning for myself AND for everyone else.  As if the mere act of thinking for 4 people and a dog isn’t tiring enough, I also need to organize all my thoughts into intricate plans incorporating an almost endless stream of variables.  And, with small children around, there’s planning required for everything - wardrobe, hair, make-up, food…food - and that’s just for me!

When I reach out to Dick to square away The Plan for something simple, like a dinner menu for instance, I am in no mood to play “go fish” - sorting out which elements of The Plan he seems more or less enthusiastic about.  If he knows The Plan, I want him to save me the effort and just tell me what it is.  If he doesn’t, then I want him to tell me straight away that he’s open to my ideas and then help me organize a joint plan.

So, the following conversation would be an example of what NOT to say to show your spouse or partner that you’re on board with The Plan.  This would be an example of how to infuriate and annoy your mate:

Me: “So, what’s the plan for the evening?”

Dick: “I don’t know.  What sounds good to you?  Do you feel like cooking tonight?”

Me: “I’m fine with that.  I have some chicken defrosting in the fridge.”

Dick: “Chicken?”

Me: “Yeah.  Why?  Did you have something else in mind?”

Dick (sounding vaguely disappointed): “No, no if you want to cook chicken, that sounds fine to me. I always prefer your cooking.”

Me: “Well, if you don’t want chicken, I can make something else?”

Dick: “Don’t be silly.  If chicken is easy and sounds good to you, then I’m fine with it.  Is there anything else you could make?”

Me: “Do you not feel like eating chicken?  Because, if you don’t want chicken, that’s okay.  Just tell me what you want?  Or, do you want to eat out?”

Dick: “Would you like to eat out?”

Me: “I’m okay with eating out if you don’t want me to cook…”

Dick: “I never said that; you know I always prefer your cooking.  But, if we were to eat out, it would give you a nice break from cooking.”

Me: “Fine.  We’ll eat out.  What do you want?”

Dick: “I don’t know.  What do you feel like having?”

This conversation goes on for another 10 minutes until I finally beat out of him the fact that he’d like to go by our favorite Italian place.  Why couldn’t he just tell me he had The Plan so we could’ve fast-forwarded to the end of the episode?  Why couldn’t the conversation have gone something like:

Me: “So, what’s the plan for the evening?”

Dick: “I’ve been thinking - you’ve been working so hard lately, we should eat out tonight and give you a nice break from cooking.  How about Italian?”

Me: “Oh, darling! I do so appreciate your sensitivity and thoughtfulness.  I would love to eat Italian tonight and then, after the children are asleep, I’d love to eat you to show my appreciation. How does that sound?”

By my calculations, cutting straight to The Plan rather than dancing around it, shaves off 10 minutes of conversation and makes Dick at least 70% more likely to get some action.  And all he has to do is occasionally remove the omnipresent burden of The Plan from my shoulders.  Is that too much to ask?  Because, while Dick may have the flexibility to plan or not, our society still expects me, as the mommy, to run a tidy household - to plan the hell out of everything.

How can I explain to all you men out there the comfort for us ladies in knowing The Plan?  I guess it just makes us feel a tiny bit of control over the chaos that is our lives as females.  In fact, most women will tell you that you don’t even have to know The Plan. For must of us, it’s enough just to know that you’re thinking about one.  And when we occasionally stumble across you formulating The Plan for something, we feel relieved because we’re reminded that we’re not the only ones in our relationships capable of bearing this burden.  There is another!  We really are a team!  You really are capable of thinking through all the same endless tasks that grind away at our patience and consume our energy.  We are NOT alone! 

While women may be complicated creatures, I can assure that, as long as you guys do a good job of pretending to understand what ticks us off and what lightens our load, we’ll give you a free pass on a lot of the stupid, lazy stuff you say and do.  So, get out there and spread the word!  It’s all about The Plan, man.