Raw Drip

Tabitha: “I went on vacation in school today, mommy.”

Me: “Oh, really? That sounds like fun.  Where did you go?”

Tabitha: “I’m right here.”

Me: “I know that, sweetie. But, where did you go on vacation at school, today?”

Tabitha: “I’m right here…”

Me: “Alrighty. It’s been nice chatting with you, baby.”

Perhaps it’s the lack of travel opportunities in my life recently, but today I found myself longing for the kind of entertainment one can only enjoy flipping through the pages of the Skymall catalog. Instead, I had to entertain myself with surfing the Skymall website. Thankfully, their website entertained nearly as well as their catalog and without the cost of airfare. As a bonus, I’ve discovered a few unique gift ideas for everyone on my shopping list.

For the uptight person, try the…

Memory Foam Massage Mat

Tired of feeling tense and large when you can feel relaxed and petite…?

I can understand the merchant’s desire to get the entire product framed in the shot but this photo’s been taken from such a distance (and with such a distractingly vast sea of brown carpeting as a backdrop) that I almost overlooked the teeny tiny model on the teeny, tiny blue mat thingy they’re selling for $129.99.

Prism Glasses

Finally, no more need to actually move your head while watching TV or reading in bed. After all, with every move you make you run the risk of accidently exercising a muscle! Instead, play it safe and don these stylish prism glasses. Designed by those maverick costumers that brought you the film “The Matrix”, these high-tech glasses fit comfortably over your prescription eyewear. The built-in prism turns any image to a 90 degree angle right before your eyes, eliminating the need for head or body movement. With your prism glasses in place you can rest assured that your fanny will stay firmly planted in your mattress or recliner seat cushion – just as Mother Nature intended.

For the gardener, try the…

Poison Oak Tree Sculpture

The Skymall folks describe this product as “The ancient spirit of ‘Poison Oak’ springs to life in a pliable composite that wraps around your tree, adding mystical character and spirit to your very own forest.”

Admittedly, I don’t know much about mystical character or spirit. But I do know that this thing scares the crap out of me.

For all those homebodies out there, try…

The Slanket

Perhaps this gentlemen was a full sized Slank at one point, before he shrunk and became a “slank-et”?

Anyway, what’s he doing with that digital camera in his hand? Trust me dude – you’ve already made one big mistake getting photographed for a catalog in that get-up, don’t make it worse by taking a few photos for your MySpace page.

I don’t know. To me, this just looks like the result of rinsing one of Santa’s elves in hot water…

For the serial killer down the block, try…

Kevlar Gloves

First of all, aside from that creepy tree sculpture (see above), this may be the most menacing product photo I’ve ever seen.

Secondly, while I certainly don’t see anyone buying these for the guy they know who enjoys handling sheet metal, I could definitely see someone giving them to the quiet, awkward, guy in his late 30’s who lives down the street with his mom and has an eery fondness for taxidermy.

And, finally, for all those sexually frustrated couples out there – a little fantasy role playing help…

Wonder Woman Cuff Bracelet

Wife: “Okay, stud, I’ll put on my Wonder Woman Cuff Bracelet and get out my lasso of truth if you promise to put on your pinch front fedora and take out your great, big, long…

Official Indiana Jones Bullwhip

Indy: “Ooo, baby. Show me how you deflect bullets with your accessories one more time…”

*****

Much to my surprise, Skymall is definitely the place to shop when you need to equip yourself for some naughty super hero archeaology adventures.

I was playing with my new AP news reader app on my iPhone yesterday (yes, I know I’m a big geek…) when I stumbled across an intriguing headline - “NY man loses prosthetic leg while skydiving“.  The article details the story of Scott Listeman of Poughkeepsie, NY who lost his prosthetic leg during a recent skydiving trip.  Apparently his leg flew off as he jumped from the plane, but before the parachute opened.

While the loss of Mr. Listeman’s leg, the first time, is undeniably tragic, it seems to me that being down one limb already and having a track record for losing them, he might be wise to avoid any activities that could result in the loss of his remaining limbs, or – I don’t know - HIS LIFE!  Is this not the stuff of a Darwin Award?

Thinking about Mr. Listeman’s story, it occurred to me that you don’t often see stories about female skydivers, let alone stories involving prosthetic legs AND women skydiving.  I know women are out there doing it  – hopefully without prostheses involved – but, largely, I think the activity is testosterone-fueled.  Only guys would find fun in hurling themselves out of an airborne plane, falling to the ground using a flimsy piece of nylon to slow their descent and then doing the whole darn thing over again.  Only men would be foolish enough to mistake cheating death for entertainment. 

Women, on the other hand, are sensible creatures who tend to avoid doing things that could kill them or ruin their hair.  And if you’re a woman in the 35 + club, like moi, you may feel you’ve learned your lesson about the dangers of skydiving from watching Jamie Sommers (aka the Bionic woman) nearly kill herself in that dreadful skydiving accident.  The subsequent surgeries for her bionics looked like a big ‘ole pain and the post-op trauma she suffered most certainly resulted in the destruction of her relationship with bionic hunk, The Six Million Dollar Man, Steve Austin.  I know their story killed skydiving as a hobby for me.  Besides, most women would never voluntarily participate in a life or death activity that required someone knowing their true weight.   There’s enough potential embarassment and humiliation woven into the fabric of our everyday lives without us going out of our way to seek it out, thank you very much.

As for Mr. Listeman and his missing leg, the article states that he remains optimistic about its return and that he’s sure “it will show up eventually.”  Despite his belief that his leg will “show up”, he is distributing flyers in the hope that someone will recognize his missing prosthesis and call him.  I think odds of him being reunited with his leg are probably good.  After all, how many prosthetic legs could there possibly be lying around upstate NY, sans owners?  And how many men would be foolish enough to go skydiving wearing a prosthetic leg, anyway?  

Hm.  Never mind.  I think I already know the answer.